Saturday, August 30, 2008
cant wait to be soaked in His presence again.
i really really love to worship Him with my all.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
God..
thank you. thank you.
thank you so much God. thank you so so so so much God.
my heart really really really want tto thank you.
thank you for everything you have done for me. it means so so so much to me.
xie xie ni God.
have been dreaming about mummy for the past few nights. i miss her.
i always ask myself how would things be like if she is still around..
mummy,i miss you so much. i really really miss you.
girgirl will continue to be strong till i see you and papa.
girlgirl will never want to forget you. never..
God. i still want to thank you. thank you for all you have given to me. it is more than what i deserve. i'll always remember the reason i'm here. thank you. i'll hold on to you tightly. even if you want to let me go, i'll cling on to you! haha.
God... 谢谢你。 真的，我会继续加油的！没有你我该怎么办。。。
爸 mummy ， 我会永远记住你们的。等我。
Thursday, July 31, 2008
i hate to go thru the process again.
but somehow i feel that this time is different.
when mummy left, whenever i'm afraid to sleep alone, i'll share bed with her. when papa left, i'm only left with her at home. we rely on one another. i took care of her like how i would to my papa. i know she likewise will leave one day. so when she left for canada, i cried when sending her. i'm afraid that it i'll miss her. i'm afraid that no one will nag at me. i'm afraid that she will leave me for good. i'm afraid that i will not see her again.i'm afraid that it will be the last time i see her.
yes. and it is.
the questions that have been going thru my mind these few days is "what can i do" "what must i do" what i should do" "what should i have done"
it happened in a place that is 18 hours away from singapore. no matter what i want to do, i just feel helpless.
they called me at 1am to tell me she's gonna be cremated at 2am sinagpore time which is 11am over there. well. what am i suppose to do? should i sleep? should i continue whatever i'm doing? or should i just cry at the strike of 2am? i hope to be there to send her off. i hope to be there for my aunties. i hope to help in whatever ways i could. but i really dont know.
after that call, i couldnt do anything. i didnt want to go thru it myself. so at 130am, i grab my ipod and bible and left my house.
the wind that blows and the silence the night is giving makes me think more. i walked past the void deck where mummy and papa had there their funeral. i began to feel the pain i had when their cremation. i began to think what will be happening if the funeral is in Singapore? what will happen if she never leave for canada? what will be the situation like if mummy and papa were still around?
i went to my usual meet up place with God. i sat there and look at the clear night sky. i talk to grandma. i talked to mummy. i talked to papa. and i talked to God. i prayed to Him. and i listened to Him. isaiah 57:1b-2: "that the righteous is taken away to be spared from evil. theose who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." at that point, my unsettled heart is put to place again. no one else can touch me like He does.
she, like my mummy and papa, is released from sins and back to God. death to sins and life w Jesus. i know she is safe with mummy, papa and God.
see you grandma. ahgirl will always remember you. a grandma who will wake up at at 7am every morning to pray for the family. we grow up in your protection. i'll always remember how we care for each other but express the care coldly. thank you. i'll see you again. this is the the Hope i''m clinging to. this Hope is the source for everything.
Monday, July 21, 2008
well.
thinking.
wondering.
expecting.
hoping.
and,
praying.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
i am running, running after You... i will continue to run after You
i'll do whatever You say. because i know everything You do is for my good.
i'll run in Your step.
rachel. you have to.
have been posting at my livejournal recently. well, got to make things right over there before i can move e blog there. my livejournal account will be known soon.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
zion core:)
i'm so grateful for this group of people in my life.
i know they are people who sincerely cares, i know i can be who i am in front of them. i know they know me. i know they stand a very important place in my life.
they are really the group that has gone thru thick and thin in my life. and most importantly, i know they love the same God i love.
thank you God for these people(:
Sunday, May 11, 2008
happy mother's day, dearest mummy(:
the best mum in the world.
Friday, April 11, 2008
was listening to some songs that i used to listen some time ago,
different songs bring me back to different period of my life.
as i was listening to the songs, i remembered the things i used to do. the things that used to happen.
but i'm glad He is with me throughout the different seasons in my life.
God, you are the strongest and ONLY pillar in my life. no doubt about it.
without this strong pillar, rachel will collaspe.
never break this pillar.
i need You to sustain me:)
i'll rely on You for life okay..
as long as You are with me. there's nothing in this world i'll ever need.
seems like death rates recently is quite high. cause i seem to be seeing funeral wakes everywhere. i will feel a sense of lost whenever i pass by a wake, beacause it will remind me of the past again.i will notice if the funeral wake has yellow cloth all around or white. but in any case, everything is over already.
but everytime i'll pray for the people in the wake, not for the dead but for the living.
the dead's destiny is fixed. but the people in the wake are gonna be the ones that gonna sufer for a period of time.
i'll pray that God's comfort will be upon them.
i'll pray for God's strength to sustain them.
i'll pray that they wll experience God's love.
i'll pray that they will go through this tough time w God.
i come to realize that many things in life is more then just knowing but is about experiencing.
and i'm glad that i experience e worst and best time w Him.
He is really sufficient for me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
time can really prove so much things.
time is e best test for many things on Earth.
but God exist outside time.
Monday, March 10, 2008
went home late the other day. was enjoying the quietness in the night.
so much happenings recently. the escape of mas selamat, the saga on the man who stabbed another guy but was shot dead by the police, more murders cases, more missing cases and i believe there will be more to come given the terrible state of the world.
the world is getting more and more scary. the world should be a safe place because God is the ruler of this world. but because of us,the sinful people, the world becomes a scary and dangerous place. the rebellious mankind. the harden mankind. oh well.
the world should be a place filled with joy. but instead there's sorrow and pain everywhere.
the world should be filled with peace. but instead there's suffering.
the world should be a place where God delights in. But instead God's heart break because of this world.
sorry God. we are the ones we pollute this supposedly beautiful place.
but i can still give thanks because God's grace is sufficient for me.
i can still give thanks because mummy and papa are released from this scary world. they are safe in the kingdom of God:)
i'm just waiting for You to bring me Home. hehe.
God. help me to do something in this world. you are the Hope of this world.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
the sky is grey.
found another place for my break. it is quiet and everyone is doing their own stuffs.
i enjoy this kind of place.
media has such a great influence over us that we might have lost the kind of realness we had.
towards how we react or relate to certain situation, many of us have lost that kind of realness because it might just be an infuence from media.
humans are so weird. they spend so much time in searching for things that doesnt even affect them but yet the things that is gonna affect them for life, they push it aside. either being nonchalant about it or critical about it. God. we are so weird.
God. i'll do it for you..
Sunday, March 02, 2008
6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
rather have the rewards in heaven then to have the rewards that is worthless.
papa and mummy is my eternal rewards in heaven:)
Friday, February 29, 2008
the One who waits.
the One who forgives.
the One who made us in His image.
the One who is so gracious.
the One who understands.
the One who is so real in my life.
the One who accepts me totally forwho am i.
the One who is so faithful.
the One who is never-failing.
the One who will be with me till e end.
the One who is so patient.
the One who never takes records of my wrongdoing.
the One who couldnt bear to see those who broke His heart suffers.
the One who died to set those sinful ones free.
the One who hates sins to the core but loves the people so much.
the One who loves so deeply and perfectly.
God. i know nothing i can do to be totally like you.
but i still want to be more like you.
i desire you to delight in me.
papa and mummy will definitely support me in this. hehe. jiayou girlgirl.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
when night is over, sunrise is here.
life is a cycle.
no matter what happen, night will always come.
sunrise and sunset will always happen.
Earth will always rotate.
i love sunrise because it always promises hope.
i love sunset because i know sunrise will come soon.
i want to go see sunrise soon! hehe.
黑夜过后就会有日出和日落。
Friday, February 01, 2008
is raining outside.
went for walk last night with God. brought my ipod along.
was reminded of some unhappy stuffs. and soon i indulged in thoughts that i know is not good for me.
then, my ipod start playing a worship song that touched me years ago. i was drawn back to God.
haha, i realized that my God is still the same. He is always pursuing me.
He has never leave me as it is or given up on me. ahhh. how?
it seems like i can never escape from His mighty hands.
He is my only desire. only focus. walk with you everyday of my life.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
i always remember my mummy as a wonderful woman.
a woman that has gone thru so much in life but never blame anyone.
a strong woman whe loves the people around her. a humble and understanding woman.
a woman of God and a wonderful mother to her only daughter me.
she left so much behind. she left footprints in so many people's life.
got back my results. and many people were concern about me.
they are mummy's friends. they called me and ask me how am i. invite me for their reunion dinner.
the common sentence i heard from all of them is "your mummy has been so good to me that is why i'm really concern about you." i teared. because i know mummy is still with me.
what she did really do matter. even after she dies, her love was pass on to her friend and back to me. i know she with me.
her presence is always w me. she is my eternal reward in heaven(:
Sunday, January 27, 2008
the end marks yet another new beginning.
didnt do well. failed maths. got no where to go. but i still believe that God will make a way that is e best for me. He has already that final destination for me. but mayb along e way, there's mountains blocking. mayb i got to take a longer route to reach that final destination but i believe i will reach there one day.
felt bad that my results not able to lift God up. just hope that my attitudes now will be able to please Him(:
felt regrets towards my parents. always hope that my results will make them proud. but in any case, given their love for me, they will still be proud of me(:
Thursday, December 27, 2007
dreamt of them again. i know it hit e target again.
they are real. they left their footprints in my life n nothing will erase it away.
mayb because the whole thing is a terrible nightmare in my life so i would often choose not to think of it. mayb that's why everything seems so far away.
but. i feel them in my dream.
mummy n papa left their footprints in my life n it will always remain there.
ha. newyear coming. a new year. a new beginning. a new pathway. am i ready for it? prayfully i am. even not, i know He will guide me thru it.
Monday, December 24, 2007
it has never change.
it has always been the same.
i am the one God created. the deep down desire, the cry of my heart. the kind of things my heart will soften towards. it will not change because of circumstances or as time pass. because this is how He intended me to be, this is how i'm supposed to be.
they may say i got to change to show life transformation. but life transformation is becoming more like Him in character, changing the part that wasnt suppose to be there. those that should not be there should be removed. but the remaining parts is what make up rachelfong that girl.
it had been there since the past when papa and mummy were still w me. it is still here after they left me and it will still remains when i see e Creator and when i reunite w them.
that's how wonderfully and beautifully rachelfong is made by e Maker.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
stop.
i stopped to for a rest.
i stopped... for a time to reflect.
i stopped... for a time to put an end to e past.
i stopped... for a time to mark a new beginning.
i stopped... for a time to close my eyes.
i stopped... for a time to open my eyes to the things around me.
i stopped... for a time to dream.
i stopped... for a time to think.
i stopped... to hear His voice .
i stopped... to love Him more.
i stopped so that i can know Him more.
i stopped to have some breathng space
so much to do. so little time. so i get hold of my time by stopping. to stop so that i could do more things.
rest is to enable us for a longer walk:)
heart is at rest and is pushed forward.
"blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him"
jiayou rach!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
need some cooling down exercise for my mind and soul. too much input from outside, too much output. need to slow down to make space from God and myself.
constantly wondering why am i still left behind on this place that i dont belong. but also constantly reminded my purpose. i have a dream. a dream for Him. i guess after my purpose and dream are fulfilled, then i can be reunited w papa and mummy. i believe.
i am weak but He is strong. struggles alot but i know He will be with me. want to be that person that He is pleased with. and that is my purpose.
dont know what does tomorrow holds for me but i know who holds my tomorrow.
and i'll carry on and on.
counting down to the day of reunion with them. hmmm.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
sick. food poisoning.
felt so terrible and weak. feel like depending on people.
had a dream when i felt weak. i dreamt that i saw my mummy again. it was at my hse's carpark. i saw her from a far and i ran towards her and hugged her so so so tightly. it was like after a long separation i saw her. i didnt hug her for long because i want to see her face more. then she tell me that she is gonna bring me find papa. as i follow behing her back, i felt she was far yet near to me. the separation do mean something. but she is still my mummy. the mummy i am emotionally and physically attached to. as i gollow behinh her and observing her, suddenly she left me again. i was so scared, i was so anxious. i keep calling out for her but she didnt reply. i broke down. till now i can still remember the cry in my dream.
in the end the reunion didnt happen.
but i am still waiting to be reunited w mummy and papa again.
mummy dont worry i'm still waiting for you to bring me to be reunited with papa :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
i dont wish to remember anything.
i dont wish to recall anything.
one year. dont know how did i survive this one year. time just pass so quickly. in certain sense, i dont wish time to pass so fast. because i want my memories of her to be so real n deep in my heart. time will wash away many things. but i'm trying very hard. i'm trying very hard to keep everything as close n as deep as possible.
mummy, i just want to tell you
that girgirl loves you.
girlgirl really really loves you. no matter what happen, i wont n i dont want to forget you.
you have given to much to me. you have left something so deep n pain yet happy in my heart.
no one. nothing can take them away.
i really miss you, so much. i feel like hugging you. i feel like seeing you by my side. i miss calling out the word "mummy". i miss hearing your voice. i miss having dinner with you. i miss seeing ur angry face. i miss holding ur hands and be like a little kid. i miss sharing w you my school life, my church life. i miss seeing ur amused face when i tell you. i miss lying on ur lap n cry when i'm sad. i miss knowing that you are e one who truly understands and believe me.
i dont want to lose you. the pain is still there. the pain is still real. mummy. girlgirl really really loves you and girlgirl really dont wish to lose you.
i'm afraid of this day to come become it will prove that everything is a reality. i dont know how to face you two. i dont have the courage to visit you two. because at that place i know i lost both of you.
时间可能会冲淡我的伤痛
可是我不会因为时间而把你忘记。
i lost you. mummy~ girlgirl has never move from where you left me. but i couldnt find you anymore. i love you. i really really love you. i will do anything to just keep you deep and real in my heart. really.
Friday, October 05, 2007
mummy papa 我真的真的很想你们。真的。
cant sleep, who can pat me to sleep.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
well,
finally, i cry it out. finally.
even since my father's cremation, i dont recall myself crying that hard anymore. or rather i seem to have already forgotten how to cry.
finally, the tears collected reached its max, and i let it flow.
i thank God for being the one who help me reflect on my feelings, i thank God for being there. i thank God for loving me. i think God for his love. never understood it but it is always there.
the pain is still so raw, so fresh. i dont dare to touch it, fearing the pain. but sometime people unknowingly touch it, sometime circumstances brush across it. well, maybe rachel just have to get stronger.
i hate the feeling of crying. i feel so out of control. but crying in front of you is so easy. i will not cry again, because they are the only ones who can make my tears flow.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
when things get too overwhelming,
is time to be back into His presence.
it is really getting tougher.
afriad to go thru, wish to give up. but He caught just when i'm falling.
i dont know what does tomorrow holds for me,
but i know who hold my tommorow.
and i'm assured with that.
少了勇气面对未知的未来。希望你们在我身边， 希望得到你们的安慰。 你们关心我的眼神。
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
爸mummy, 你们会不会担心我啊？
我知道你们一定会的，因为我是你最爱的宝贝。
有人为你担心真幸福。
。
想回到过去，回到我还是一个开心和幸福的孩子。
回到他们还在我身旁的时候。
我真的好爱好爱你们。
Saturday, September 22, 2007
as i listen to the song on my blog, many thoughts and feelings dwell upon me.
it has been so long since i take a break from the things of the world and go into my own world. i want to clear my mind off certain things and just be alone. doing the things i like, doing the things that will make me feel that i'm rachel fong.
i want to dig out that thing that was buried deep inside my heart and take it out. but the truth is, sometimes after not facing certain stuffs for some time, i have already lose the courage to do so.
mummy and papa, is this rachel here your rachel? i'm still not ready to visit you two at your niche. please forgive me.
Monday, September 17, 2007
11 months since she left me. 8 months since he left me. life still goes on. the world is still moving on despite the fact that 2 important person are missing in my left. nothing will stop for anyone. humans are so small compared to the universe.
want to do well for my prelims want to do well for my studies. for God. and..... for them.
been dreaming about my mummy so much recently. she seems to be so far away from the world i'm living. but she feels so close to me in my heart. i guess she has never leave me in my heart/
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
i've been dreaming alot about her recently. is she doing well in the other world? i believe so. she can find the life she wants in heaven. and most importantly, papa is with her and God is with her. she is being protected up there. i'm glad. at least she dont need to suffer anymore. she is being released from all her pain and suffering.
i have yet find the courage to visit their niche. the last time i went, memories just gushed thru my mind. tears just flowed down without control. i want to visit their niche but.. i'm scared. really scared.
there's so much unsettled feelings and thoughts in me. God, only you understand. i can only bring them all up to you. thanks for being so faithful. thanks for never leaving me nor forsaking me.
mummy and papa, i believe you two are happy up there. in a place faraway from this place of imperfect people. wait me alright?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
this is the first birthday i celebrated without them. this is the first birthday so many friends celebrated w me. but somehow, i just feel something is missing inside.
i remembered last year national year, when my mummy was in e hospital. she wanted to watch fireworks. i pushed her ard in a wheelchair looking for a place in the hospital to watch fireworks. but we couldnt find. we went up and down. finally, we gave up. i remembered very clearly what i said "aiya, nvm lar, this year cannot next year lor. haha. ok? but you must first get well! then we can walk together and see" somehow from her eyes, she doesnt seems happy. at that point of time, does she alrdy knows she is walking one step closer to e end of her life?
the period when she was in the hospital, though it was tough, but i felt statisfied. because i could see her everyday. i belong to her. i'll do anything just to accompany her. i'll stayover at the hospital just to see her sleep. just to be by her side. i love her.
i really wonder how many more birthday i'm gonna spend without htem. i really wonder how more national day i'm going to go thru w regrets. i cannot see fireworks w her anymore.
i just want to keep them in my heart forever. no one can take them away.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
sprained my ankle. miss her bringing me to doctor. miss her cooking. miss her taking care of me. miss her being there when i need her. i really really miss her.
it has been a year since my life has been turned upside down. it was 1st August 2006 when she went into hospital. then she was diagnoised w cancer last stage. then she suffered and left...
i remembered very clearly the doctor said that she could last half a year to one year. i wanted to treasure this one year. but she couldnt take it and left within 3 months. i really really miss her.
i need her listening ears. ineed her taking care of me. i need to see.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
papa and mummy, how are the both of you? doing well? missing me? i really miss you both. really i do.
please trust me for once. i want to make my own decision for just this once. papa and mummy trust me alot. so i ask that you trust me as well. i will be well because i promised them that girlgirl will lead a good life.
Monday, June 18, 2007
mayb all along i'm a selfish girl. but this time i really wish that the decision i make is for the good of everyone.
i got alot of reasons of wanting to move. i know there are pros and cons but i really want to learn to be independent. i dont wish to be a burden to anyone anymore. i really dont like to go back to a home where i know is not my home and is not my family. i would rather stay alone.
it is really painful for me to survive thru every loong bus ride. the kind of thoughts that went thru me is really painful and terrible. after the long tiring ride/day. what i really want to see my dear parents coming to take care of me. but when i go back to that "not suppose to be my home" home. i really feels terrible. i hope that both of them is waiting for me to be home. i hope that they are still w me...
papa and mummy, teach girlgirl what to do. if you guys are still here, how different would things be. at least i got a complete family and home. at least rachel's life got two loved ones w her.
when can i see you both again? this is really not the world girlgirl wants to be. God, use me to the fullest. dont ever make my life feels so meaningless.
Monday, June 11, 2007
without them in my life, rachel knows that she got to be stronger.
hate to see furneral and ambulance. the pain will come again.
for the past weeks, other than occupying myself, i will dream. dream really makes them so near to me again. becaus in reality they are far from me. but in dreams, they belong to me again.
many often when i'm on bus, i'll will close my eyes. hoping that everything that has happen for e past one year is only a dream. hoping that when i open my eyes, things is back to the time when my parents were still with me. when i'm still a happy girl. but when i opened my eyes, my heart sank. because i know i got to be stronger.
mummy and papa. girlgirl really really misses you. but.. both if you are so far away. hope that both of you will say girlgirl is a strong girl when i see you both again.
Monday, May 07, 2007
rachel really misses them. i really wish to see them and touch them and hear them again. all i left is only memories of them. humans are forgetful beings, i'm really afraid what if i forget them. i dont want. i really dont want.
this exam period is really tough. it makes me miss them even more. they are always there for me. i dont wish to go thru this exam period without them. is really tough. i need their support. i need their caring concern when i burn midnight oil. i need them to jiayou me. i really really need them.
when my mummy reach the last stage of her life. i was having my end year exam, she couldnt really remembers anyone or really knows anything. but this particular night when i'm studying. i can remember she said this "girl you studying ar, dont study till too late. all e best" this was one of her most clear consious speech then. i know she loves me. i know she cares for me.
but when things happened, it means it happened. nothing i can feel or do will reverse anything. mummy papa, girlgirl loves you. girlgirl really really misses you two.
too used to darkness without them in my life.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
didnt go to school. excuse being i need extra time to study. but i know that's not the case. this few months, i've been trying to push everything aside to the back of my head by ministry and studies. i have been so occupied that i dont even have time to care about the things at the back of my side. but now i feel so tired. so so tired. i just need a day w myself, w my memories and w God.
i really really miss them. memories is a really ironic thing. i thank God that i have the memories of them but sometime all the memories make me wanna to have more. i cannot describe how much i miss them. i really want my closest loved ones to be back w me. i really want to have my happy family w papa and mummy again. i cannot find that smile again.
really wonder how many of this kind of days i got to spent before before i can see them again. before i can find that "xin fu" feeling again. can parents day dont come? but on the other thought, someow i'm used to the feelingof lonely. God. i need you.
i'm tired. mummy papa, girlgirl is tired.
Monday, April 09, 2007
i love easter. i love God.
what will happen if easter never happen. this is the question i have been asking myself. i think i can just go and die. the reason why i try to stand up and continue to live on is because i believe the reality of easter, because i believe i can see papa and mummy again and i got to account to them my life. but if easter never happen, it means that papa mummy died and i will never ever see them again. i can just go and die if it is that way.
i want to post this when i am in the "good" times or rather when i'm rational. i dont know when i will feel bad.
thank God for Easter.
as i was in front of my parents' niche, i really wonder how are they doing. tears rolled down as i talked to them. tears rolled down as i think of their faces. when i imagine their facial expressions when i said some stuffs. i really really really miss them. it really feels lonely without them in my life. i love them. i miss them. how is my dear papa and mummy now? will they miss me like how i miss them? i think they will cause i'm their "baobei girlgirl"
Friday, March 16, 2007
as i look at the photos we took many years ago, i saw the smile on me my father and mummy's faces. i was wondering, at that point of time, did we ever expect this will happen to us? i'm quite sure that i did not.
i tried to make myself laugh and smile by watching lots and lots of comedy. i dont know is God's plan or what, today i rented a really really sad show. a show that really teaches me that many things in life we cannot control. as human beings, we want to and tried to. we perceives that if life is in the way we want it to be, it will be a happy life.
when i watched the show, there's a strong urge in me to want to change the whole story plot. to stop certain tragedy from happening, to let the whole show flow in the way i want it to be. but i realize i'm not the director. i'm only the viewer.
i often wonder if my life is make into a show, what kind of show will it be. but... no matter what, i know my mummy will always be the faithful viewer of the show. but now this show loses its faithful viewer. and it feels lost but the show still has to continue.
in the same way, i'm a viewer of my parents' show.. did not appreciate it much in the beginning, but when i get into the whole show, the show reached the final episode. i cannot bear to watch the last episode, because i know i'll miss the show very very very much. but the final episode still have to come. the final episode still have to close the chapter of the person's life. the viewer now feels so sad. the viewer still wants to continue to watch the show. but the viewer is still not the director of the show.
the viewer can now only re-watch the show. cause the show has already reached its end. and now. i dont know what can i do. cause i know these 2 show have already stand an very very important place in my life. but i cannot watch it anymore.
God. how? rachel is feeling so painful. rachel wants them back. rachel will really treasure them like never before. rachel wants back the happy family. rachel wants back the familar people the familar environment. God..........................................................................
Sunday, February 25, 2007
i neve knew how blessed it is to have someone waiting for you at home.
i'm always home late. my parents are always very understanding. they didnt nag. they didnt scold and i take it for granted. i thought they will always be there to wait for me home. for a few time, i went back to my house to stay. and for a few time, i'm back very very late. walking under the same familar void deck to my lift. walking under the same moon. there's a pinch in my heart. without realizing it, i'm afraid my father will be unhappy. then another harder pinch came. they will no longer wait for me home already.
they are my parents. they are the one who really cares for me. or rather is in their nature to love me and to care for me. they cant help but to love me.
the truth is that now i really loved by alot around me. really. i know many are trying to make me happy, make me feel better and camfortable. but the truth is that i dont feel good bout it. cause the whole root issue and key is just that i lost my loved ones and i know the physical things that are happening around me wont make me happy again. i just feel that i'm a burden. a ma fan.
i can laugh and joke all i want. but what it is that i really want?
God, teach me. teach me how to continue on.
just let me have reunion dinner with them soon. i'm sian of everything already. my month is so numb by all the smiling.
Monday, February 12, 2007
home. a place where you are with people you are comfortable and you love.
i was moved away from the house i lived in with my parents for 16 years to my cousin's place. i miss my home. i miss the home where my parents are around. i miss the home where God is found. i miss the home where joy is so evident. i miss the home when it was filled with so much warmth.
the house where i can still remember my parents walking around. the house where they always scold me. the house where we laugh together. the house where i quarrelled with them. the house with so much love and memories. though these few months have been terrible, but my house have been a comfort to me. cause whenever i'm home, i can still feel my parents presence. i can still see my memories i had with them.
when i'm in the living room, i can still see the 3 of us watching tv together. the 3 of us laughing together. when i walked into the bedroom, i can still my mummy and i talking and crying together. when i walked towards the bathroom, i can still remember the times when my mummy nag at me, i'll go into the bathroom. i'll feel as if they are still with me.
after living in my cousin's hse for 2 days, i was homesick. so i decided to sneak back. as i was walking towards my house, thoughts of my parents waiting for me home came by. as i stepped into the house, it was so lifeless. it was so quiet. it was so cold. i felt so terrible that i feel like leaving immediately. but... as i sat on the same sofa my mummy and i always sit. i lie on the bed my mummy always sleep on. i touch the walking stick my father use... the warmth came back. the smile came back.
the home that truly belongs to only me and my parents. the home that contains all my treasured memories. the place where i can still feel their presence.
but. the house is gonna be rented out. how? i dont want. this is the place i can feel happy. God. please make a way.
i'm still waiting for them home or rather they are still waiting for me to go home. i'm homesick. i want to be with them.
Monday, February 05, 2007
why do humans only treasure things after they lost them? mayb not everyone but at least i am like that. i have never really know how to treasure and cherish them until when i lost both of them.
i see things the clearest only in my memories. in my memories, there are many times when i could have done so much for them. i could have shown my love more to them. i could have done so so much more. i'm everything of their life. i just have to do something small, they will be so happy. but what can i do now? i cannot change anything. i cannot treat them better now. i cannot buy gifts to surprize them anymore. i cannot do anything now without them by my side.
something is being teared away from my heart. and it's really a big and deep piece. two ppl so close to my heart being taken away from me. i dont know where am i going or what am i suppose to do. i'm lost. really lost.
papa and mummy. girlgirl really misses you alot. how are both of you? girlgirl needs both of you now.
Friday, February 02, 2007
home. a place where you are with people you are comfortable and you love.
i was moved away from the house i lived in with my parents for 16 years to my cousin's place. i miss my home. i miss the home where my parents are around. i miss the home where God is found. i miss the home where joy is so evident. i miss the home when it was filled with so much warmth.
the house where i can still remember my parents walking around. the house where they always scold me. the house where we laugh together. the house where i quarrelled with them. the house with so much love and memories. though these few months have been terrible, but my house have been a comfort to me. cause whenever i'm home, i can still feel my parents presence. i can still see my memories i had with them.
when i'm in the living room, i can still see the 3 of us watching tv together. the 3 of us laughing together. when i walked into the bedroom, i can still my mummy and i talking and crying together. when i walked towards the bathroom, i can still remember the times when my mummy nag at me, i'll go into the bathroom. i'll feel as if they are still with me.
after living in my cousin's hse for 2 days, i was homesick. so i decided to sneak back. as i was walking towards my house, thoughts of my parents waiting for me home came by. as i stepped into the house, it was so lifeless. it was so quiet. it was so cold. i felt so terrible that i feel like leaving immediately. but... as i sat on the same sofa my mummy and i always sit. i lie on the bed my mummy always sleep on. i touch the walking stick my father use... the warmth came back. the smile came back.
the home that truly belongs to only me and my parents. the home that contains all my treasured memories. the place where i can still feel their presence.
but. the house is gonna be rented out. how? i dont want. this is the place i can feel happy. God. please make a way.
i'm still waiting for them home or rather they are still waiting for me to go home. i'm homesick. i want to be with them.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
if i have to give up half of my life to get back my papa and mummy. i'll be most wiliing to. this is not out of rashness. but have been thinking through for the past few days. life have been so so different since they left. or rather life have been empty.
i love them. for my mummy, she knows that i love her. she knows it. but for my father, he dont know. after my mummy passed away, i have been dwelling in my own world of my mummy and me. i have neglected him. every night when i come home, i'll see his sorrowful eyes. i want to go and comfort him but i dont how to. i can only go towards him and offer a prayer. then i go back to my room to think about my mummy. he cant feel any love from me. if only i spend more time w him.
i cannot see any future now. i can only see the past. the happy past. the past when things are complete w my parents and they know God. so complete. happy family. but now.. they left me alone to face the future.
the wounds are hurting so deeply. is so painful. i can still remember when he collaspe at home. when the amblance came. when i asked him to wait for me, dont leave me alone. he was holding my hands so tightly before he went into a coma.
i really want to go home. the home w my happy family.
i realise that my presence here on earth now doesnt mean anything to anyone.
it hurts. the pain i never felt before is doubling.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
i walked with my mummy till the very end of her ife. but i didnt walk with my papa. he was alone...
been sleeping for e past week. because i believe i can see them in my sleep. in my dreams. the happy feeling i got when i dream of them. i feel that they are so close to me. things are like in the past. i am so so so happy. my heart can jump out of joy. but for e past few days, i didnt. so i decided to lie in bed 2 hours early. i will just think of them till i sleep. bt it didnt work. how? the happy feeling is gone.
my emotions and mind is in a turmoil. can all these be just a bad dream? let me wake up from this bad dream. amen. i'm too tired to continue in this dream.
papa and mummy. can you all come back and be with girlgirl again. i love both of you more.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
on the exact 3rd month of my mummy's departure. my father left me also. my father left me to be all alone on earth on 17 of January.
in my 15++ years of journey. i fell many many times. but somehow i manage to get back on my feet. i fell so hard 3 months ago. so badly until i feel like giving. i tried to get back on my feet and move forward. is was really hard. it was really painful. but as i was halfway there, i fell again on 17 January. this time i not only have new injury but my previous injury was cut so much so much deeper. i lose the strength to stand up again. i will only sit on the road and look back at the past journey.
that string in my heart and brain seems like it's gonna snap any time. i have yet recover from my mummy's death and now i have to experience the death of my father. i promised my mummy that i will take good care of my father. but i didnt. is all my fault. is all my fault. my heart really really hurt alot when i think of him. i didnt give my best to him. i dwell so much oin my mummy's death that i negelcted him.
i wasnt with him when he breathe his last breath. i wasnt.
papa and mummy left me alone on earth. i cannot take it anymore. that string will snap anytime.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
God. i’m at the end of the road again. the previous wound was not even healed yet. now the second wound came. and it open up my first wound again.
my father was admitted into the hosiptal on Monday. his blood vessels burst again. he is in a coma now. or rather his brain is 3/4 damage. doctor just told me that his chances of survival is very slim. 0 percent that he can make it through. These 5 days are the critical time. If he makes through, he wont die. He will only be a vegetable.
God. please please please don’t take him away. i don’t have mummy already. I cannot don’t have papa. people who are reading my blog. please. I beg you. Pray for him.
I’m really afraid. Really really really afraid. I’m very scared of what is to come. i cannot go through another emotions truama again. i cannot go through another cycle of losing my loved one again. i wont be able to make it this time. serious
Papa. Please don’t leave me alone here. mummy. how? i'm very scared.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
there's only 2 choices you can make when you face problems right. either you kill yourself then you will never face it again or you grit your teeth and continue on.
from my mummy's life, i know she has chosen the second option. to be strong and continue on.
so many things have happen in her life. she used to be so rich and have everything she wanted. but soon she became bankrupt then she got cancer. but she still continue to trust God. even when she was going through chemo, she still went to work as usual. she still continue to look after the family. she still continue to take care of my father and taking up the role of a father in my life.
both of us became each other's support. she was my support when i faces problems in ministry, with friends or studies. i was her support when she felt tired, dissapointed and angry.
until when her cancer relapse again. i saw the sadness in her eyes. i still remember clearly the tears from her eyes when she was told that her cancer has a relapse. then when she was move from a hospital to a hospice. when i saw her getting thinner and thinner. when i saw her slowly fading away. i was there. i was there to see the whole process of her fading away........
it was painful. i know she is suffering. but when i see her suffer, i always ask God, if i were the one who was lying on the bed. mayb it will be better since i'm not very afraid of pain. at that point of time, i felt so useless.
if there were to be a best of the best in heaven. God. i believe with all my heart that you will give her "the strongest woman of God"
God. you loves her more than me. though i love her, but i know i can never love her to how you love her. muumy. wait for me at the end with God.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
2006. the worst year in my life. the worst worst year. a fast yet memorable year. the year that i wish will never appear but the year i want to stay in it. i seem to gain alot yet losing alot this year. my greatest lost was my mummy.
as i cross over to year 2007. sadness came over me. i know i'm moving on in life but my mum was left behind in 2006. i'm gonna have more memories. but the memories of my mum only stopped at 17 October 2006. i hope to write alot bout 2006 like what i did the years before. but... i cant seem to remember anything except my mummy. the only thing i can remember in this 2006 is that the person i love left me.
stepping into a new year. a new life without my mummy. a new environment without the involvment of my mummy. cant and dont want to imagine it.
3 moonths never go school. school tomorrow. the first time i'm going school knowing that my mummy is not with me anymore. my mummy wont be there to force me go school anymore. she wont be there to made me wake up. my mummy wont be there to hear me complain about everything about teachers and studies. my mummy wont be there when i'm tired after a day in school. my mummy wont be there to wait for me at home. she wont be there. i know.
God i need you now more than anything. my only source of strength and dependant. keep me strong. i need to be strong.
mummy. wait for me at end. i'll finish it strong. trust me. God. hold my hand and never it go.
Friday, December 29, 2006
dont feel like stepping into 2007. or rather, dont feel like leaving this scary 2006.
i dont want to leave mummy in 2006 and me moving on to 2007.
but is beyond my control right? unless i ...
do you know what i mean? i can stay in 2006 if i ...
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
i often ask myself is my life gonna be the same without my mummy? is my life gonna be the same without her partcipating in it. without her nagging to bring me thru, without her caring eyes towards me. is it gonna be the same.
i'm lost. where am i? i'm like being locked in the familar past where i yearn to go back but being trapped in the present but refusing to face the world. who am i? since the day she left me. since the day i felt as if my soul left my body, since the minute she was annouced dead. i can no longer find that rachel anymore. where am i? God. i need her. God i'm so lost like never before. the fake smile and laughter is toiling me out. the person i am now is making me confused.
God. why did you take her away when you know i will become like this? God. why did you take her away when you know i cannot do without her. How i wish God can turn back time, everything is just a dream. when i wake up, my mummy is still sleeping beside me. i can still see her. everything is just a bad dream. God will you let it happen please? God i miss her so much . so so much.
it has been 2 months and 3 days since she let go of my hand. it has been 2 months and 3 days since she closed her eyes. it has been 2 months and 3 days since i had touched her warm body. can i feel her again soon?
God! i'm feeling really really very terrible when i recall the scene when she breathe her last breath. when i know she got no more feelings anymore. when i know that will be the last memory i had with her. i'm really not ok. really. i want to see her again SOON.
God. tell me. tell me how am i gonna continue this race.
Monday, December 11, 2006
it has always been i leave her side. she has never left my side before.
i always leave her side, like gg mission trip, camp or stayingover at ppl's hse. but she always seems to remains at where she is waiting for me. she is always there. when i come back frm camp, i know she will be there. when i came back frm anywhere, i know she will be there.
tml is camp already. where is the excitement i always i have? i remember everytime before camp will be her nagging, forcing me to pack my bag or rather helping me to pack my bag. everytime before i leave the camp, she will ensure i bring everything. everytime, i will tell her not to miss me, i'll be back soon. i'll tell her not to think of me when she sleeps alone on the bed. but there will be no one for me to say to when i leave for camp later. there will be no one for me to call when i'm in camp.
i'm locked in past where there is my mummy and me. dont want to get out.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
i thought i will be fine. or rather i feel fine. until i saw the car accident. i saw a car knocked into a girl. i was so scared. is so scary when i saw the impact when the car knocked into the girl. my mind went blank when i saw the whole thing. my heart nearly dropped out, the first thought that came into my mind is that i got to tell my mother.
but i realize she can no longer listen to me. i really miss her. i really miss her listening ears. her caring eyes. i feel so terrible now. i hope that i can share with her what i had seen, what i'm feeling now. i'm scared to sleep on the big bed alone. i need her.
my heart is really painful. so painful. if my mummy sees me crying now. she will come and hug me. that hug is the cure. i need that hug now. i need that patting to pat me to sleep.
mummy. come back. come back. please. girlgirl beg you.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
many thoughts went through my mind. thought thru many things. so many. until my mind went confuse. let me recollect my thoughts and i'll get back.
Korea is a place where i felt settled down. as in the place makes me want to think more. the atmosphere, the weather, the people.. thinking can be enjoyable yet irritating. i blog soon. i express myself more in writing. i miss my mummy.
mummy. how good it is if you are still with me. i miss you so. do you miss me?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
it has been along long time since i went holiday with my mummy. i thought that she has always like to travel. and especially with me. but i will never have this chance again.
going korea on thurs. for wat? i also dont know. everyone says go for a break. if i go korea will my mind stop working? if i go korea will my memories stop coming back? i dont know. the whole feeling is different. going holiday without my mummy is so different.
i can be so ease in front of my mummy. be so relaxed. in front of her i am not any leader, any shepherd or the rachel ppl wants me to be. i am just her daughter. the daughter that will always make her angry. the daughter that always make her laugh. the daughter who can be who she is in front of her. my mummy says before she trust me so much because she knows i can be so real in front of her. nothing to hide from her.
i really miss spending time with her. i miss hearing her voice. i miss her. i miss the feeling of being real in front of her. i really feel so comfortable with her. i love her. i want to give her a good life but before i have the chance to do that, she left me already.
is has been one month and 5 days since she let go of my hand. when? when can i see her again? when can i touch her again? when can i talk to her and she can listen? when can i run towards her and hug her? when? these tears that are flowing down cant seems to stop. there is a limit to how strong i can be. the person who love me alot and who i love so much is taken away from me.
nights have been the most terrible for me. i want to see her. i want to hear her voice again. i want to see her caring eyes again.but how long can this again takes?
i pray that God will takes me home to see her soon. i'm not doing well without her.
the world doesnt seems to have anything that is holding me back.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
is 3 am. i really cant get to sleep.
i miss the nights when my mummy will force me to sleep. i miss the nights when she will sneak into my room to sleep with me cause she is afraid of alone. i always laugh at her when she sneaks into my room to sleep with me. her presence is so real then. her body is warm then. but now i'm the one afraid of alone. i'm the one who longs to see her sneak in. that big bed seems so empty. i yearn to see that familar person again. if i have a chance again, i will welcome her to share the bed with me.
God.
i might not know the reasons you take her away. but you know the results if you take her away. i am like an empty shell now. emptiness. i miss her so so much God. the pain is so real in my heart. the sour feeling in my heart. God.
i will dream of her every night. every night. i will dream tt she was well and doing life with me like before. but when i wake up. everything returns to normal. reality came slapping into my face. the kind of pain is terrible. really terrible.
MUMMY! do you know that i'm looking for you? can you hear me crying out out for you? can you come back to my side. dont leave me. please... i really miss you.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
God.
how long do i have to wait before i can see mummy again. so many things i want to do for her. so many words i want to tell her. when can i see mummy again?
so many promises that i gave her and is still not fulfilled. so many regrets i am going to bring with me for the rest of my life. how long will it be God? waiting is such a terrible feeling.
the house seems so empty without her. i cant see the familar figure walking around the house. i cant hear the familar voice that i used to hear. i'm really scared what if one day i forget how she looks like. what if one day i forget how she sound like. i dont want. i dont want. i dont want a life that is so used to living without her. i want to depend on her.
God. i'm still feeling terrible. my mind is going crazy with all e memories. memories is a doorway to e past. i seems to enter into into the past and i cant see myself getting out of it. i miss the days when i can laugh with my mummy. i miss the days when i get into such deep talks with her. i miss the days when i reached home, i know she is waiting for me. i can only find her in my memories. so i rather live there.
i'm feeling so lost like never before. i'm like someone sailing on a vast sea of nothingness. i want to return to the habour of familar past and recover what was lost. when God? when can i see her again?
i love my mummy. i really love her. can i be with her? God. i really love her. really.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
i really really miss my mummy alot. really alot. i thought i was prepared. i thought i know she went back heaven. but i never thought it will hurt that much. i really miss her.
i really dont mind taking care of her. i really dont mind. someone says that my mummy left might not be a bad thing. cause i got no more burden, i will be more relieve. but. i would rather take care of her. the happiness i have when i see her able to eat. the happiness i have when i see her get better. she means so much to me.
my left has been centered upon my mummy. everyday spend time with her at e hospice. just being beside her make me happy. complaining to her make me feel so comfortable. i know she feels terrible. yet she will still listen to me. i really need her. one caring look from her make my day.
i dont want to recall the memories i have with her. i want to create more. i never felt so terrible before. i really feel so so terrible. she will not come back to life. is so painful to dwell on things that i know i cant change anything about it.
everyone is telling me to move on. what is this? is not that easy. you guys just dont know how important and dear she is to me.
God. i really cant take it anymore. i dont know how to save myself. i need her. i want to love her. i have no more mummy already.
Monday, October 23, 2006
she left me for home on 17 October. i'll never forget that day.
i'll never forget when she breathe her last breath. i'll never forget the sight when she closed her eyes.
God. you have taken the most important person in my life. i really love mummy. i really miss taking care of her. i really miss feeding her medicine. i miss seeing her.
you've placed her to be the most important, the closest in my life. and you took her away from me. half of my life is gone. she promised to see me grow up.
often watched show when ppl die. didnt expect it will ever happen to me. is really painful to think of her. it is so painful so so painful during the cremation. i feel so lost
i need her. i love her. i want to be with her. girl girl loves mummy. i cant get out of it. i want her.
no one. no one can ever replace the special relationship i have with her. no one.