Wednesday, December 20, 2006
i often ask myself is my life gonna be the same without my mummy? is my life gonna be the same without her partcipating in it. without her nagging to bring me thru, without her caring eyes towards me. is it gonna be the same.
i'm lost. where am i? i'm like being locked in the familar past where i yearn to go back but being trapped in the present but refusing to face the world. who am i? since the day she left me. since the day i felt as if my soul left my body, since the minute she was annouced dead. i can no longer find that rachel anymore. where am i? God. i need her. God i'm so lost like never before. the fake smile and laughter is toiling me out. the person i am now is making me confused.
God. why did you take her away when you know i will become like this? God. why did you take her away when you know i cannot do without her. How i wish God can turn back time, everything is just a dream. when i wake up, my mummy is still sleeping beside me. i can still see her. everything is just a bad dream. God will you let it happen please? God i miss her so much . so so much.
it has been 2 months and 3 days since she let go of my hand. it has been 2 months and 3 days since she closed her eyes. it has been 2 months and 3 days since i had touched her warm body. can i feel her again soon?
God! i'm feeling really really very terrible when i recall the scene when she breathe her last breath. when i know she got no more feelings anymore. when i know that will be the last memory i had with her. i'm really not ok. really. i want to see her again SOON.
God. tell me. tell me how am i gonna continue this race.