Thursday, July 31, 2008
i hate to go thru the process again.
but somehow i feel that this time is different.
when mummy left, whenever i'm afraid to sleep alone, i'll share bed with her. when papa left, i'm only left with her at home. we rely on one another. i took care of her like how i would to my papa. i know she likewise will leave one day. so when she left for canada, i cried when sending her. i'm afraid that it i'll miss her. i'm afraid that no one will nag at me. i'm afraid that she will leave me for good. i'm afraid that i will not see her again.i'm afraid that it will be the last time i see her.
yes. and it is.
the questions that have been going thru my mind these few days is "what can i do" "what must i do" what i should do" "what should i have done"
it happened in a place that is 18 hours away from singapore. no matter what i want to do, i just feel helpless.
they called me at 1am to tell me she's gonna be cremated at 2am sinagpore time which is 11am over there. well. what am i suppose to do? should i sleep? should i continue whatever i'm doing? or should i just cry at the strike of 2am? i hope to be there to send her off. i hope to be there for my aunties. i hope to help in whatever ways i could. but i really dont know.
after that call, i couldnt do anything. i didnt want to go thru it myself. so at 130am, i grab my ipod and bible and left my house.
the wind that blows and the silence the night is giving makes me think more. i walked past the void deck where mummy and papa had there their funeral. i began to feel the pain i had when their cremation. i began to think what will be happening if the funeral is in Singapore? what will happen if she never leave for canada? what will be the situation like if mummy and papa were still around?
i went to my usual meet up place with God. i sat there and look at the clear night sky. i talk to grandma. i talked to mummy. i talked to papa. and i talked to God. i prayed to Him. and i listened to Him. isaiah 57:1b-2: "that the righteous is taken away to be spared from evil. theose who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." at that point, my unsettled heart is put to place again. no one else can touch me like He does.
she, like my mummy and papa, is released from sins and back to God. death to sins and life w Jesus. i know she is safe with mummy, papa and God.
see you grandma. ahgirl will always remember you. a grandma who will wake up at at 7am every morning to pray for the family. we grow up in your protection. i'll always remember how we care for each other but express the care coldly. thank you. i'll see you again. this is the the Hope i''m clinging to. this Hope is the source for everything.