locked in a past where there is her and me

2008-09-09T00:06:00.005+08:00

dear renewmeonceagain blogger. May 2005-September 2008

you've been faithful to me for the past 3 years. the times when i complained to you, the times i share with you my joy and even the times when i share my sorrow with you. thanks for being the source which i can express myself to others(: you've have been a witness from how i was childish and young to where i am now. how i change over years and how i have remain the same.

have been wanting to change blog, but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. but now...

http://www.walktilltheend.wordpress.com

for another chapter of my life.

thanks renewmeonceagain.blogspot.com ( 26 May 2005-9 September 2008)

love, rachel.

2008-08-30T03:08:00.000+08:00

cant wait to be soaked in His presence again.
i really really love to worship Him with my all.

2008-08-28T03:32:00.002+08:00

God..

thank you. thank you.
thank you so much God. thank you so so so so much God.
my heart really really really want tto thank you.
thank you for everything you have done for me. it means so so so much to me.
xie xie ni God.

have been dreaming about mummy for the past few nights. i miss her.
i always ask myself how would things be like if she is still around..
mummy,i miss you so much. i really really miss you.
girgirl will continue to be strong till i see you and papa.
girlgirl will never want to forget you. never..

God. i still want to thank you. thank you for all you have given to me. it is more than what i deserve. i'll always remember the reason i'm here. thank you. i'll hold on to you tightly. even if you want to let me go, i'll cling on to you! haha.

God... 谢谢你。真的，我会继续加油的！没有你我该怎么办。。。
爸 mummy ，我会永远记住你们的。等我。

2008-07-31T03:10:00.000+08:00

i hate to go thru the process again.
but somehow i feel that this time is different.

when mummy left, whenever i'm afraid to sleep alone, i'll share bed with her. when papa left, i'm only left with her at home. we rely on one another. i took care of her like how i would to my papa. i know she likewise will leave one day. so when she left for canada, i cried when sending her. i'm afraid that it i'll miss her. i'm afraid that no one will nag at me. i'm afraid that she will leave me for good. i'm afraid that i will not see her again.i'm afraid that it will be the last time i see her.
yes. and it is.

the questions that have been going thru my mind these few days is "what can i do" "what must i do" what i should do" "what should i have done"
it happened in a place that is 18 hours away from singapore. no matter what i want to do, i just feel helpless.

they called me at 1am to tell me she's gonna be cremated at 2am sinagpore time which is 11am over there. well. what am i suppose to do? should i sleep? should i continue whatever i'm doing? or should i just cry at the strike of 2am? i hope to be there to send her off. i hope to be there for my aunties. i hope to help in whatever ways i could. but i really dont know.

after that call, i couldnt do anything. i didnt want to go thru it myself. so at 130am, i grab my ipod and bible and left my house.

the wind that blows and the silence the night is giving makes me think more. i walked past the void deck where mummy and papa had there their funeral. i began to feel the pain i had when their cremation. i began to think what will be happening if the funeral is in Singapore? what will happen if she never leave for canada? what will be the situation like if mummy and papa were still around?

i went to my usual meet up place with God. i sat there and look at the clear night sky. i talk to grandma. i talked to mummy. i talked to papa. and i talked to God. i prayed to Him. and i listened to Him. isaiah 57:1b-2: "that the righteous is taken away to be spared from evil. theose who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." at that point, my unsettled heart is put to place again. no one else can touch me like He does.

she, like my mummy and papa, is released from sins and back to God. death to sins and life w Jesus. i know she is safe with mummy, papa and God.

see you grandma. ahgirl will always remember you. a grandma who will wake up at at 7am every morning to pray for the family. we grow up in your protection. i'll always remember how we care for each other but express the care coldly. thank you. i'll see you again. this is the the Hope i''m clinging to. this Hope is the source for everything.

2008-07-21T02:39:00.000+08:00

well.
thinking.
wondering.
expecting.
hoping.
and,
praying.

2008-06-17T04:37:00.000+08:00

i am running, running after You... i will continue to run after You

i'll do whatever You say. because i know everything You do is for my good.
i'll run in Your step.

rachel. you have to.

have been posting at my livejournal recently. well, got to make things right over there before i can move e blog there. my livejournal account will be known soon.

2008-05-13T03:54:00.000+08:00

zion core:)
i'm so grateful for this group of people in my life.
i know they are people who sincerely cares, i know i can be who i am in front of them. i know they know me. i know they stand a very important place in my life.

they are really the group that has gone thru thick and thin in my life. and most importantly, i know they love the same God i love.

thank you God for these people(:

2008-05-11T11:05:00.000+08:00

happy mother's day, dearest mummy(:
the best mum in the world.

2008-04-11T19:31:00.000+08:00

was listening to some songs that i used to listen some time ago,
different songs bring me back to different period of my life.
as i was listening to the songs, i remembered the things i used to do. the things that used to happen.

but i'm glad He is with me throughout the different seasons in my life.
God, you are the strongest and ONLY pillar in my life. no doubt about it.
without this strong pillar, rachel will collaspe.
never break this pillar.
i need You to sustain me:)
i'll rely on You for life okay..

as long as You are with me. there's nothing in this world i'll ever need.

2008-04-11T07:17:00.000+08:00

seems like death rates recently is quite high. cause i seem to be seeing funeral wakes everywhere. i will feel a sense of lost whenever i pass by a wake, beacause it will remind me of the past again.i will notice if the funeral wake has yellow cloth all around or white. but in any case, everything is over already.

but everytime i'll pray for the people in the wake, not for the dead but for the living.
the dead's destiny is fixed. but the people in the wake are gonna be the ones that gonna sufer for a period of time.
i'll pray that God's comfort will be upon them.
i'll pray for God's strength to sustain them.
i'll pray that they wll experience God's love.
i'll pray that they will go through this tough time w God.

i come to realize that many things in life is more then just knowing but is about experiencing.
and i'm glad that i experience e worst and best time w Him.
He is really sufficient for me.

2008-04-10T04:26:00.000+08:00

time can really prove so much things.
time is e best test for many things on Earth.
but God exist outside time.

2008-03-10T17:54:00.000+08:00

went home late the other day. was enjoying the quietness in the night.
so much happenings recently. the escape of mas selamat, the saga on the man who stabbed another guy but was shot dead by the police, more murders cases, more missing cases and i believe there will be more to come given the terrible state of the world.

the world is getting more and more scary. the world should be a safe place because God is the ruler of this world. but because of us,the sinful people, the world becomes a scary and dangerous place. the rebellious mankind. the harden mankind. oh well.

the world should be a place filled with joy. but instead there's sorrow and pain everywhere.
the world should be filled with peace. but instead there's suffering.
the world should be a place where God delights in. But instead God's heart break because of this world.
sorry God. we are the ones we pollute this supposedly beautiful place.

but i can still give thanks because God's grace is sufficient for me.
i can still give thanks because mummy and papa are released from this scary world. they are safe in the kingdom of God:)
i'm just waiting for You to bring me Home. hehe.

God. help me to do something in this world. you are the Hope of this world.

2008-03-06T07:29:00.000+08:00

the sky is grey.
found another place for my break. it is quiet and everyone is doing their own stuffs.
i enjoy this kind of place.

media has such a great influence over us that we might have lost the kind of realness we had.
towards how we react or relate to certain situation, many of us have lost that kind of realness because it might just be an infuence from media.

humans are so weird. they spend so much time in searching for things that doesnt even affect them but yet the things that is gonna affect them for life, they push it aside. either being nonchalant about it or critical about it. God. we are so weird.

God. i'll do it for you..

2008-03-02T20:08:00.001+08:00

6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

rather have the rewards in heaven then to have the rewards that is worthless.

papa and mummy is my eternal rewards in heaven:)

2008-02-29T19:50:00.000+08:00

the One who waits.
the One who forgives.
the One who made us in His image.
the One who is so gracious.
the One who understands.
the One who is so real in my life.
the One who accepts me totally forwho am i.
the One who is so faithful.
the One who is never-failing.
the One who will be with me till e end.
the One who is so patient.
the One who never takes records of my wrongdoing.
the One who couldnt bear to see those who broke His heart suffers.
the One who died to set those sinful ones free.
the One who hates sins to the core but loves the people so much.
the One who loves so deeply and perfectly.

God. i know nothing i can do to be totally like you.
but i still want to be more like you.
i desire you to delight in me.

papa and mummy will definitely support me in this. hehe. jiayou girlgirl.

2008-02-27T19:19:00.000+08:00

when night is over, sunrise is here.

life is a cycle.

no matter what happen, night will always come.

sunrise and sunset will always happen.

Earth will always rotate.

i love sunrise because it always promises hope.

i love sunset because i know sunrise will come soon.

i want to go see sunrise soon! hehe.

黑夜过后就会有日出和日落。

2008-02-01T19:34:00.000+08:00

is raining outside.
went for walk last night with God. brought my ipod along.
was reminded of some unhappy stuffs. and soon i indulged in thoughts that i know is not good for me.
then, my ipod start playing a worship song that touched me years ago. i was drawn back to God.
haha, i realized that my God is still the same. He is always pursuing me.
He has never leave me as it is or given up on me. ahhh. how?
it seems like i can never escape from His mighty hands.

He is my only desire. only focus. walk with you everyday of my life.

2008-01-30T05:13:00.000+08:00

i always remember my mummy as a wonderful woman.
a woman that has gone thru so much in life but never blame anyone.
a strong woman whe loves the people around her. a humble and understanding woman.
a woman of God and a wonderful mother to her only daughter me.

she left so much behind. she left footprints in so many people's life.
got back my results. and many people were concern about me.
they are mummy's friends. they called me and ask me how am i. invite me for their reunion dinner.
the common sentence i heard from all of them is "your mummy has been so good to me that is why i'm really concern about you." i teared. because i know mummy is still with me.

what she did really do matter. even after she dies, her love was pass on to her friend and back to me. i know she with me.

her presence is always w me. she is my eternal reward in heaven(:

2008-01-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

the end marks yet another new beginning.

didnt do well. failed maths. got no where to go. but i still believe that God will make a way that is e best for me. He has already that final destination for me. but mayb along e way, there's mountains blocking. mayb i got to take a longer route to reach that final destination but i believe i will reach there one day.

felt bad that my results not able to lift God up. just hope that my attitudes now will be able to please Him(:

felt regrets towards my parents. always hope that my results will make them proud. but in any case, given their love for me, they will still be proud of me(:

2007-12-27T03:16:00.000+08:00

dreamt of them again. i know it hit e target again.
they are real. they left their footprints in my life n nothing will erase it away.
mayb because the whole thing is a terrible nightmare in my life so i would often choose not to think of it. mayb that's why everything seems so far away.
but. i feel them in my dream.

mummy n papa left their footprints in my life n it will always remain there.

ha. newyear coming. a new year. a new beginning. a new pathway. am i ready for it? prayfully i am. even not, i know He will guide me thru it.

2007-12-24T03:58:00.000+08:00

it has never change.
it has always been the same.

i am the one God created. the deep down desire, the cry of my heart. the kind of things my heart will soften towards. it will not change because of circumstances or as time pass. because this is how He intended me to be, this is how i'm supposed to be.

they may say i got to change to show life transformation. but life transformation is becoming more like Him in character, changing the part that wasnt suppose to be there. those that should not be there should be removed. but the remaining parts is what make up rachelfong that girl.

it had been there since the past when papa and mummy were still w me. it is still here after they left me and it will still remains when i see e Creator and when i reunite w them.

that's how wonderfully and beautifully rachelfong is made by e Maker.

2007-12-19T17:26:00.000+08:00

stop.

i stopped to for a rest.
i stopped... for a time to reflect.
i stopped... for a time to put an end to e past.
i stopped... for a time to mark a new beginning.
i stopped... for a time to close my eyes.
i stopped... for a time to open my eyes to the things around me.
i stopped... for a time to dream.
i stopped... for a time to think.
i stopped... to hear His voice .
i stopped... to love Him more.
i stopped so that i can know Him more.
i stopped to have some breathng space

so much to do. so little time. so i get hold of my time by stopping. to stop so that i could do more things.

rest is to enable us for a longer walk:)

heart is at rest and is pushed forward.

"blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him"

jiayou rach!

2007-11-20T19:12:00.000+08:00

need some cooling down exercise for my mind and soul. too much input from outside, too much output. need to slow down to make space from God and myself.

constantly wondering why am i still left behind on this place that i dont belong. but also constantly reminded my purpose. i have a dream. a dream for Him. i guess after my purpose and dream are fulfilled, then i can be reunited w papa and mummy. i believe.

i am weak but He is strong. struggles alot but i know He will be with me. want to be that person that He is pleased with. and that is my purpose.

dont know what does tomorrow holds for me but i know who holds my tomorrow.
and i'll carry on and on.

counting down to the day of reunion with them. hmmm.

2007-10-28T01:36:00.000+08:00

sick. food poisoning.
felt so terrible and weak. feel like depending on people.

had a dream when i felt weak. i dreamt that i saw my mummy again. it was at my hse's carpark. i saw her from a far and i ran towards her and hugged her so so so tightly. it was like after a long separation i saw her. i didnt hug her for long because i want to see her face more. then she tell me that she is gonna bring me find papa. as i follow behing her back, i felt she was far yet near to me. the separation do mean something. but she is still my mummy. the mummy i am emotionally and physically attached to. as i gollow behinh her and observing her, suddenly she left me again. i was so scared, i was so anxious. i keep calling out for her but she didnt reply. i broke down. till now i can still remember the cry in my dream.

in the end the reunion didnt happen.
but i am still waiting to be reunited w mummy and papa again.

mummy dont worry i'm still waiting for you to bring me to be reunited with papa :)

2007-10-17T16:47:00.000+08:00

i dont wish to remember anything.
i dont wish to recall anything.

one year. dont know how did i survive this one year. time just pass so quickly. in certain sense, i dont wish time to pass so fast. because i want my memories of her to be so real n deep in my heart. time will wash away many things. but i'm trying very hard. i'm trying very hard to keep everything as close n as deep as possible.

mummy, i just want to tell you
that girgirl loves you.
girlgirl really really loves you. no matter what happen, i wont n i dont want to forget you.
you have given to much to me. you have left something so deep n pain yet happy in my heart.
no one. nothing can take them away.

i really miss you, so much. i feel like hugging you. i feel like seeing you by my side. i miss calling out the word "mummy". i miss hearing your voice. i miss having dinner with you. i miss seeing ur angry face. i miss holding ur hands and be like a little kid. i miss sharing w you my school life, my church life. i miss seeing ur amused face when i tell you. i miss lying on ur lap n cry when i'm sad. i miss knowing that you are e one who truly understands and believe me.

i dont want to lose you. the pain is still there. the pain is still real. mummy. girlgirl really really loves you and girlgirl really dont wish to lose you.

i'm afraid of this day to come become it will prove that everything is a reality. i dont know how to face you two. i dont have the courage to visit you two. because at that place i know i lost both of you.

时间可能会冲淡我的伤痛
可是我不会因为时间而把你忘记。

i lost you. mummy~ girlgirl has never move from where you left me. but i couldnt find you anymore. i love you. i really really love you. i will do anything to just keep you deep and real in my heart. really.

2007-10-05T16:48:00.000+08:00

mummy papa 我真的真的很想你们。真的。

cant sleep, who can pat me to sleep.

2007-10-04T17:28:00.000+08:00

well,
finally, i cry it out. finally.
even since my father's cremation, i dont recall myself crying that hard anymore. or rather i seem to have already forgotten how to cry.
finally, the tears collected reached its max, and i let it flow.

i thank God for being the one who help me reflect on my feelings, i thank God for being there. i thank God for loving me. i think God for his love. never understood it but it is always there.

the pain is still so raw, so fresh. i dont dare to touch it, fearing the pain. but sometime people unknowingly touch it, sometime circumstances brush across it. well, maybe rachel just have to get stronger.

i hate the feeling of crying. i feel so out of control. but crying in front of you is so easy. i will not cry again, because they are the only ones who can make my tears flow.

2007-10-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

when things get too overwhelming,
is time to be back into His presence.

it is really getting tougher.
afriad to go thru, wish to give up. but He caught just when i'm falling.
i dont know what does tomorrow holds for me,
but i know who hold my tommorow.
and i'm assured with that.

少了勇气面对未知的未来。
希望你们在我身边，希望得到你们的安慰。你们关心我的眼神。

2007-09-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

爸mummy, 你们会不会担心我啊？
我知道你们一定会的，因为我是你最爱的宝贝。
有人为你担心真幸福。
。
想回到过去，回到我还是一个开心和幸福的孩子。
回到他们还在我身旁的时候。

我真的好爱好爱你们。

2007-09-22T02:40:00.000+08:00

as i listen to the song on my blog, many thoughts and feelings dwell upon me.

it has been so long since i take a break from the things of the world and go into my own world. i want to clear my mind off certain things and just be alone. doing the things i like, doing the things that will make me feel that i'm rachel fong.

i want to dig out that thing that was buried deep inside my heart and take it out. but the truth is, sometimes after not facing certain stuffs for some time, i have already lose the courage to do so.

mummy and papa, is this rachel here your rachel?
i'm still not ready to visit you two at your niche. please forgive me.

2007-09-17T13:24:00.000+08:00

11 months since she left me. 8 months since he left me. life still goes on. the world is still moving on despite the fact that 2 important person are missing in my left. nothing will stop for anyone. humans are so small compared to the universe.

want to do well for my prelims want to do well for my studies. for God. and..... for them.

been dreaming about my mummy so much recently. she seems to be so far away from the world i'm living. but she feels so close to me in my heart. i guess she has never leave me in my heart/

2007-08-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

i've been dreaming alot about her recently. is she doing well in the other world? i believe so. she can find the life she wants in heaven. and most importantly, papa is with her and God is with her. she is being protected up there. i'm glad. at least she dont need to suffer anymore. she is being released from all her pain and suffering.

i have yet find the courage to visit their niche. the last time i went, memories just gushed thru my mind. tears just flowed down without control. i want to visit their niche but.. i'm scared. really scared.

there's so much unsettled feelings and thoughts in me. God, only you understand. i can only bring them all up to you. thanks for being so faithful. thanks for never leaving me nor forsaking me.

mummy and papa, i believe you two are happy up there. in a place faraway from this place of imperfect people. wait me alright?

2007-08-22T15:06:00.000+08:00

this is the first birthday i celebrated without them. this is the first birthday so many friends celebrated w me. but somehow, i just feel something is missing inside.

i remembered last year national year, when my mummy was in e hospital. she wanted to watch fireworks. i pushed her ard in a wheelchair looking for a place in the hospital to watch fireworks. but we couldnt find. we went up and down. finally, we gave up. i remembered very clearly what i said "aiya, nvm lar, this year cannot next year lor. haha. ok? but you must first get well! then we can walk together and see" somehow from her eyes, she doesnt seems happy. at that point of time, does she alrdy knows she is walking one step closer to e end of her life?

the period when she was in the hospital, though it was tough, but i felt statisfied. because i could see her everyday. i belong to her. i'll do anything just to accompany her. i'll stayover at the hospital just to see her sleep. just to be by her side. i love her.

i really wonder how many more birthday i'm gonna spend without htem. i really wonder how more national day i'm going to go thru w regrets. i cannot see fireworks w her anymore.

i just want to keep them in my heart forever. no one can take them away.

2007-08-02T06:56:00.000+08:00

sprained my ankle. miss her bringing me to doctor. miss her cooking. miss her taking care of me. miss her being there when i need her. i really really miss her.

it has been a year since my life has been turned upside down. it was 1st August 2006 when she went into hospital. then she was diagnoised w cancer last stage. then she suffered and left...

i remembered very clearly the doctor said that she could last half a year to one year. i wanted to treasure this one year. but she couldnt take it and left within 3 months. i really really miss her.

i need her listening ears. ineed her taking care of me. i need to see.

2007-06-20T06:36:00.000+08:00

papa and mummy, how are the both of you? doing well? missing me? i really miss you both. really i do.

please trust me for once. i want to make my own decision for just this once. papa and mummy trust me alot. so i ask that you trust me as well. i will be well because i promised them that girlgirl will lead a good life.

2007-06-18T15:55:00.000+08:00

mayb all along i'm a selfish girl. but this time i really wish that the decision i make is for the good of everyone.

i got alot of reasons of wanting to move. i know there are pros and cons but i really want to learn to be independent. i dont wish to be a burden to anyone anymore. i really dont like to go back to a home where i know is not my home and is not my family. i would rather stay alone.

it is really painful for me to survive thru every loong bus ride. the kind of thoughts that went thru me is really painful and terrible. after the long tiring ride/day. what i really want to see my dear parents coming to take care of me. but when i go back to that "not suppose to be my home" home. i really feels terrible. i hope that both of them is waiting for me to be home. i hope that they are still w me...

papa and mummy, teach girlgirl what to do. if you guys are still here, how different would things be. at least i got a complete family and home. at least rachel's life got two loved ones w her.

when can i see you both again? this is really not the world girlgirl wants to be. God, use me to the fullest. dont ever make my life feels so meaningless.

2007-06-11T17:07:00.000+08:00

without them in my life, rachel knows that she got to be stronger.

hate to see furneral and ambulance. the pain will come again.

for the past weeks, other than occupying myself, i will dream. dream really makes them so near to me again. becaus in reality they are far from me. but in dreams, they belong to me again.

many often when i'm on bus, i'll will close my eyes. hoping that everything that has happen for e past one year is only a dream. hoping that when i open my eyes, things is back to the time when my parents were still with me. when i'm still a happy girl. but when i opened my eyes, my heart sank. because i know i got to be stronger.

mummy and papa. girlgirl really really misses you. but.. both if you are so far away. hope that both of you will say girlgirl is a strong girl when i see you both again.

2007-05-07T14:17:00.000+08:00

rachel really misses them. i really wish to see them and touch them and hear them again. all i left is only memories of them. humans are forgetful beings, i'm really afraid what if i forget them. i dont want. i really dont want.

this exam period is really tough. it makes me miss them even more. they are always there for me. i dont wish to go thru this exam period without them. is really tough. i need their support. i need their caring concern when i burn midnight oil. i need them to jiayou me. i really really need them.

when my mummy reach the last stage of her life. i was having my end year exam, she couldnt really remembers anyone or really knows anything. but this particular night when i'm studying. i can remember she said this "girl you studying ar, dont study till too late. all e best" this was one of her most clear consious speech then. i know she loves me. i know she cares for me.

but when things happened, it means it happened. nothing i can feel or do will reverse anything. mummy papa, girlgirl loves you. girlgirl really really misses you two.

too used to darkness without them in my life.

2007-04-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

didnt go to school. excuse being i need extra time to study. but i know that's not the case. this few months, i've been trying to push everything aside to the back of my head by ministry and studies. i have been so occupied that i dont even have time to care about the things at the back of my side. but now i feel so tired. so so tired. i just need a day w myself, w my memories and w God.

i really really miss them. memories is a really ironic thing. i thank God that i have the memories of them but sometime all the memories make me wanna to have more. i cannot describe how much i miss them. i really want my closest loved ones to be back w me. i really want to have my happy family w papa and mummy again. i cannot find that smile again.

really wonder how many of this kind of days i got to spent before before i can see them again. before i can find that "xin fu" feeling again. can parents day dont come? but on the other thought, someow i'm used to the feelingof lonely. God. i need you.

i'm tired. mummy papa, girlgirl is tired.

2007-04-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

i love easter. i love God.

what will happen if easter never happen. this is the question i have been asking myself. i think i can just go and die. the reason why i try to stand up and continue to live on is because i believe the reality of easter, because i believe i can see papa and mummy again and i got to account to them my life. but if easter never happen, it means that papa mummy died and i will never ever see them again. i can just go and die if it is that way.

i want to post this when i am in the "good" times or rather when i'm rational. i dont know when i will feel bad.

thank God for Easter.

as i was in front of my parents' niche, i really wonder how are they doing. tears rolled down as i talked to them. tears rolled down as i think of their faces. when i imagine their facial expressions when i said some stuffs. i really really really miss them. it really feels lonely without them in my life. i love them. i miss them. how is my dear papa and mummy now? will they miss me like how i miss them? i think they will cause i'm their "baobei girlgirl"

2007-03-16T20:11:00.000+08:00

as i look at the photos we took many years ago, i saw the smile on me my father and mummy's faces. i was wondering, at that point of time, did we ever expect this will happen to us? i'm quite sure that i did not.

i tried to make myself laugh and smile by watching lots and lots of comedy. i dont know is God's plan or what, today i rented a really really sad show. a show that really teaches me that many things in life we cannot control. as human beings, we want to and tried to. we perceives that if life is in the way we want it to be, it will be a happy life.

when i watched the show, there's a strong urge in me to want to change the whole story plot. to stop certain tragedy from happening, to let the whole show flow in the way i want it to be. but i realize i'm not the director. i'm only the viewer.

i often wonder if my life is make into a show, what kind of show will it be. but... no matter what, i know my mummy will always be the faithful viewer of the show. but now this show loses its faithful viewer. and it feels lost but the show still has to continue.

in the same way, i'm a viewer of my parents' show.. did not appreciate it much in the beginning, but when i get into the whole show, the show reached the final episode. i cannot bear to watch the last episode, because i know i'll miss the show very very very much. but the final episode still have to come. the final episode still have to close the chapter of the person's life. the viewer now feels so sad. the viewer still wants to continue to watch the show. but the viewer is still not the director of the show.

the viewer can now only re-watch the show. cause the show has already reached its end. and now. i dont know what can i do. cause i know these 2 show have already stand an very very important place in my life. but i cannot watch it anymore.

God. how? rachel is feeling so painful. rachel wants them back. rachel will really treasure them like never before. rachel wants back the happy family. rachel wants back the familar people the familar environment. God..........................................................................

2007-02-25T12:54:00.000+08:00

i neve knew how blessed it is to have someone waiting for you at home.

i'm always home late. my parents are always very understanding. they didnt nag. they didnt scold and i take it for granted. i thought they will always be there to wait for me home. for a few time, i went back to my house to stay. and for a few time, i'm back very very late. walking under the same familar void deck to my lift. walking under the same moon. there's a pinch in my heart. without realizing it, i'm afraid my father will be unhappy. then another harder pinch came. they will no longer wait for me home already.

they are my parents. they are the one who really cares for me. or rather is in their nature to love me and to care for me. they cant help but to love me.

the truth is that now i really loved by alot around me. really. i know many are trying to make me happy, make me feel better and camfortable. but the truth is that i dont feel good bout it. cause the whole root issue and key is just that i lost my loved ones and i know the physical things that are happening around me wont make me happy again. i just feel that i'm a burden. a ma fan.

i can laugh and joke all i want. but what it is that i really want?

God, teach me. teach me how to continue on.

just let me have reunion dinner with them soon. i'm sian of everything already. my month is so numb by all the smiling.

2007-02-12T17:33:00.000+08:00

home. a place where you are with people you are comfortable and you love.

i was moved away from the house i lived in with my parents for 16 years to my cousin's place. i miss my home. i miss the home where my parents are around. i miss the home where God is found. i miss the home where joy is so evident. i miss the home when it was filled with so much warmth.

the house where i can still remember my parents walking around. the house where they always scold me. the house where we laugh together. the house where i quarrelled with them. the house with so much love and memories. though these few months have been terrible, but my house have been a comfort to me. cause whenever i'm home, i can still feel my parents presence. i can still see my memories i had with them.

when i'm in the living room, i can still see the 3 of us watching tv together. the 3 of us laughing together. when i walked into the bedroom, i can still my mummy and i talking and crying together. when i walked towards the bathroom, i can still remember the times when my mummy nag at me, i'll go into the bathroom. i'll feel as if they are still with me.

after living in my cousin's hse for 2 days, i was homesick. so i decided to sneak back. as i was walking towards my house, thoughts of my parents waiting for me home came by. as i stepped into the house, it was so lifeless. it was so quiet. it was so cold. i felt so terrible that i feel like leaving immediately. but... as i sat on the same sofa my mummy and i always sit. i lie on the bed my mummy always sleep on. i touch the walking stick my father use... the warmth came back. the smile came back.

the home that truly belongs to only me and my parents. the home that contains all my treasured memories. the place where i can still feel their presence.

but. the house is gonna be rented out. how? i dont want. this is the place i can feel happy. God. please make a way.

i'm still waiting for them home or rather they are still waiting for me to go home. i'm homesick. i want to be with them.

2007-02-05T19:45:00.000+08:00

why do humans only treasure things after they lost them? mayb not everyone but at least i am like that. i have never really know how to treasure and cherish them until when i lost both of them.

i see things the clearest only in my memories. in my memories, there are many times when i could have done so much for them. i could have shown my love more to them. i could have done so so much more. i'm everything of their life. i just have to do something small, they will be so happy. but what can i do now? i cannot change anything. i cannot treat them better now. i cannot buy gifts to surprize them anymore. i cannot do anything now without them by my side.

something is being teared away from my heart. and it's really a big and deep piece. two ppl so close to my heart being taken away from me. i dont know where am i going or what am i suppose to do. i'm lost. really lost.

papa and mummy. girlgirl really misses you alot. how are both of you? girlgirl needs both of you now.

2007-02-02T17:34:00.000+08:00

2007-01-30T04:32:00.000+08:00

if i have to give up half of my life to get back my papa and mummy. i'll be most wiliing to. this is not out of rashness. but have been thinking through for the past few days. life have been so so different since they left. or rather life have been empty.

i love them. for my mummy, she knows that i love her. she knows it. but for my father, he dont know. after my mummy passed away, i have been dwelling in my own world of my mummy and me. i have neglected him. every night when i come home, i'll see his sorrowful eyes. i want to go and comfort him but i dont how to. i can only go towards him and offer a prayer. then i go back to my room to think about my mummy. he cant feel any love from me. if only i spend more time w him.

i cannot see any future now. i can only see the past. the happy past. the past when things are complete w my parents and they know God. so complete. happy family. but now.. they left me alone to face the future.

the wounds are hurting so deeply. is so painful. i can still remember when he collaspe at home. when the amblance came. when i asked him to wait for me, dont leave me alone. he was holding my hands so tightly before he went into a coma.

i really want to go home. the home w my happy family.

i realise that my presence here on earth now doesnt mean anything to anyone.

it hurts. the pain i never felt before is doubling.

2007-01-28T14:59:00.000+08:00

i walked with my mummy till the very end of her ife. but i didnt walk with my papa. he was alone...

been sleeping for e past week. because i believe i can see them in my sleep. in my dreams. the happy feeling i got when i dream of them. i feel that they are so close to me. things are like in the past. i am so so so happy. my heart can jump out of joy. but for e past few days, i didnt. so i decided to lie in bed 2 hours early. i will just think of them till i sleep. bt it didnt work. how? the happy feeling is gone.

my emotions and mind is in a turmoil. can all these be just a bad dream? let me wake up from this bad dream. amen. i'm too tired to continue in this dream.

papa and mummy. can you all come back and be with girlgirl again. i love both of you more.

2007-01-21T13:36:00.000+08:00

on the exact 3rd month of my mummy's departure. my father left me also. my father left me to be all alone on earth on 17 of January.

in my 15++ years of journey. i fell many many times. but somehow i manage to get back on my feet. i fell so hard 3 months ago. so badly until i feel like giving. i tried to get back on my feet and move forward. is was really hard. it was really painful. but as i was halfway there, i fell again on 17 January. this time i not only have new injury but my previous injury was cut so much so much deeper. i lose the strength to stand up again. i will only sit on the road and look back at the past journey.

that string in my heart and brain seems like it's gonna snap any time. i have yet recover from my mummy's death and now i have to experience the death of my father. i promised my mummy that i will take good care of my father. but i didnt. is all my fault. is all my fault. my heart really really hurt alot when i think of him. i didnt give my best to him. i dwell so much oin my mummy's death that i negelcted him.

i wasnt with him when he breathe his last breath. i wasnt.

papa and mummy left me alone on earth. i cannot take it anymore. that string will snap anytime.

2007-01-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

God. i’m at the end of the road again. the previous wound was not even healed yet. now the second wound came. and it open up my first wound again.

my father was admitted into the hosiptal on Monday. his blood vessels burst again. he is in a coma now. or rather his brain is 3/4 damage. doctor just told me that his chances of survival is very slim. 0 percent that he can make it through. These 5 days are the critical time. If he makes through, he wont die. He will only be a vegetable.

God. please please please don’t take him away. i don’t have mummy already. I cannot don’t have papa. people who are reading my blog. please. I beg you. Pray for him.

I’m really afraid. Really really really afraid. I’m very scared of what is to come. i cannot go through another emotions truama again. i cannot go through another cycle of losing my loved one again. i wont be able to make it this time. serious

Papa. Please don’t leave me alone here. mummy. how? i'm very scared.

2007-01-07T19:16:00.000+08:00

there's only 2 choices you can make when you face problems right. either you kill yourself then you will never face it again or you grit your teeth and continue on.

from my mummy's life, i know she has chosen the second option. to be strong and continue on.

so many things have happen in her life. she used to be so rich and have everything she wanted. but soon she became bankrupt then she got cancer. but she still continue to trust God. even when she was going through chemo, she still went to work as usual. she still continue to look after the family. she still continue to take care of my father and taking up the role of a father in my life.

both of us became each other's support. she was my support when i faces problems in ministry, with friends or studies. i was her support when she felt tired, dissapointed and angry.

until when her cancer relapse again. i saw the sadness in her eyes. i still remember clearly the tears from her eyes when she was told that her cancer has a relapse. then when she was move from a hospital to a hospice. when i saw her getting thinner and thinner. when i saw her slowly fading away. i was there. i was there to see the whole process of her fading away........

it was painful. i know she is suffering. but when i see her suffer, i always ask God, if i were the one who was lying on the bed. mayb it will be better since i'm not very afraid of pain. at that point of time, i felt so useless.

if there were to be a best of the best in heaven. God. i believe with all my heart that you will give her "the strongest woman of God"

God. you loves her more than me. though i love her, but i know i can never love her to how you love her. muumy. wait for me at the end with God.

2007-01-03T18:20:00.000+08:00

2006. the worst year in my life. the worst worst year. a fast yet memorable year. the year that i wish will never appear but the year i want to stay in it. i seem to gain alot yet losing alot this year. my greatest lost was my mummy.

as i cross over to year 2007. sadness came over me. i know i'm moving on in life but my mum was left behind in 2006. i'm gonna have more memories. but the memories of my mum only stopped at 17 October 2006. i hope to write alot bout 2006 like what i did the years before. but... i cant seem to remember anything except my mummy. the only thing i can remember in this 2006 is that the person i love left me.

stepping into a new year. a new life without my mummy. a new environment without the involvment of my mummy. cant and dont want to imagine it.

3 moonths never go school. school tomorrow. the first time i'm going school knowing that my mummy is not with me anymore. my mummy wont be there to force me go school anymore. she wont be there to made me wake up. my mummy wont be there to hear me complain about everything about teachers and studies. my mummy wont be there when i'm tired after a day in school. my mummy wont be there to wait for me at home. she wont be there. i know.

God i need you now more than anything. my only source of strength and dependant. keep me strong. i need to be strong.

mummy. wait for me at end. i'll finish it strong. trust me. God. hold my hand and never it go.

2006-12-29T18:40:00.000+08:00

dont feel like stepping into 2007. or rather, dont feel like leaving this scary 2006.

i dont want to leave mummy in 2006 and me moving on to 2007.

but is beyond my control right? unless i ...

do you know what i mean? i can stay in 2006 if i ...

2006-12-20T19:10:00.000+08:00

i often ask myself is my life gonna be the same without my mummy? is my life gonna be the same without her partcipating in it. without her nagging to bring me thru, without her caring eyes towards me. is it gonna be the same.

i'm lost. where am i? i'm like being locked in the familar past where i yearn to go back but being trapped in the present but refusing to face the world. who am i? since the day she left me. since the day i felt as if my soul left my body, since the minute she was annouced dead. i can no longer find that rachel anymore. where am i? God. i need her. God i'm so lost like never before. the fake smile and laughter is toiling me out. the person i am now is making me confused.

God. why did you take her away when you know i will become like this? God. why did you take her away when you know i cannot do without her. How i wish God can turn back time, everything is just a dream. when i wake up, my mummy is still sleeping beside me. i can still see her. everything is just a bad dream. God will you let it happen please? God i miss her so much . so so much.

it has been 2 months and 3 days since she let go of my hand. it has been 2 months and 3 days since she closed her eyes. it has been 2 months and 3 days since i had touched her warm body. can i feel her again soon?

God! i'm feeling really really very terrible when i recall the scene when she breathe her last breath. when i know she got no more feelings anymore. when i know that will be the last memory i had with her. i'm really not ok. really. i want to see her again SOON.

God. tell me. tell me how am i gonna continue this race.

2006-12-11T02:52:00.001+08:00

it has always been i leave her side. she has never left my side before.

i always leave her side, like gg mission trip, camp or stayingover at ppl's hse. but she always seems to remains at where she is waiting for me. she is always there. when i come back frm camp, i know she will be there. when i came back frm anywhere, i know she will be there.

tml is camp already. where is the excitement i always i have? i remember everytime before camp will be her nagging, forcing me to pack my bag or rather helping me to pack my bag. everytime before i leave the camp, she will ensure i bring everything. everytime, i will tell her not to miss me, i'll be back soon. i'll tell her not to think of me when she sleeps alone on the bed. but there will be no one for me to say to when i leave for camp later. there will be no one for me to call when i'm in camp.

i'm locked in past where there is my mummy and me. dont want to get out.

2006-12-06T17:30:00.000+08:00

i thought i will be fine. or rather i feel fine. until i saw the car accident. i saw a car knocked into a girl. i was so scared. is so scary when i saw the impact when the car knocked into the girl. my mind went blank when i saw the whole thing. my heart nearly dropped out, the first thought that came into my mind is that i got to tell my mother.

but i realize she can no longer listen to me. i really miss her. i really miss her listening ears. her caring eyes. i feel so terrible now. i hope that i can share with her what i had seen, what i'm feeling now. i'm scared to sleep on the big bed alone. i need her.

my heart is really painful. so painful. if my mummy sees me crying now. she will come and hug me. that hug is the cure. i need that hug now. i need that patting to pat me to sleep.

mummy. come back. come back. please. girlgirl beg you.

2006-12-02T17:33:00.000+08:00

many thoughts went through my mind. thought thru many things. so many. until my mind went confuse. let me recollect my thoughts and i'll get back.

Korea is a place where i felt settled down. as in the place makes me want to think more. the atmosphere, the weather, the people.. thinking can be enjoyable yet irritating. i blog soon. i express myself more in writing. i miss my mummy.

mummy. how good it is if you are still with me. i miss you so. do you miss me?

2006-11-22T18:36:00.000+08:00

it has been along long time since i went holiday with my mummy. i thought that she has always like to travel. and especially with me. but i will never have this chance again.

going korea on thurs. for wat? i also dont know. everyone says go for a break. if i go korea will my mind stop working? if i go korea will my memories stop coming back? i dont know. the whole feeling is different. going holiday without my mummy is so different.

i can be so ease in front of my mummy. be so relaxed. in front of her i am not any leader, any shepherd or the rachel ppl wants me to be. i am just her daughter. the daughter that will always make her angry. the daughter that always make her laugh. the daughter who can be who she is in front of her. my mummy says before she trust me so much because she knows i can be so real in front of her. nothing to hide from her.

i really miss spending time with her. i miss hearing her voice. i miss her. i miss the feeling of being real in front of her. i really feel so comfortable with her. i love her. i want to give her a good life but before i have the chance to do that, she left me already.

is has been one month and 5 days since she let go of my hand. when? when can i see her again? when can i touch her again? when can i talk to her and she can listen? when can i run towards her and hug her? when? these tears that are flowing down cant seems to stop. there is a limit to how strong i can be. the person who love me alot and who i love so much is taken away from me.

nights have been the most terrible for me. i want to see her. i want to hear her voice again. i want to see her caring eyes again.but how long can this again takes?

i pray that God will takes me home to see her soon. i'm not doing well without her. the world doesnt seems to have anything that is holding me back.

2006-11-15T19:30:00.000+08:00

is 3 am. i really cant get to sleep.

i miss the nights when my mummy will force me to sleep. i miss the nights when she will sneak into my room to sleep with me cause she is afraid of alone. i always laugh at her when she sneaks into my room to sleep with me. her presence is so real then. her body is warm then. but now i'm the one afraid of alone. i'm the one who longs to see her sneak in. that big bed seems so empty. i yearn to see that familar person again. if i have a chance again, i will welcome her to share the bed with me.

God.

i might not know the reasons you take her away. but you know the results if you take her away. i am like an empty shell now. emptiness. i miss her so so much God. the pain is so real in my heart. the sour feeling in my heart. God.

i will dream of her every night. every night. i will dream tt she was well and doing life with me like before. but when i wake up. everything returns to normal. reality came slapping into my face. the kind of pain is terrible. really terrible.

MUMMY! do you know that i'm looking for you? can you hear me crying out out for you? can you come back to my side. dont leave me. please... i really miss you.

2006-11-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

God.

how long do i have to wait before i can see mummy again. so many things i want to do for her. so many words i want to tell her. when can i see mummy again?

so many promises that i gave her and is still not fulfilled. so many regrets i am going to bring with me for the rest of my life. how long will it be God? waiting is such a terrible feeling.

the house seems so empty without her. i cant see the familar figure walking around the house. i cant hear the familar voice that i used to hear. i'm really scared what if one day i forget how she looks like. what if one day i forget how she sound like. i dont want. i dont want. i dont want a life that is so used to living without her. i want to depend on her.

God. i'm still feeling terrible. my mind is going crazy with all e memories. memories is a doorway to e past. i seems to enter into into the past and i cant see myself getting out of it. i miss the days when i can laugh with my mummy. i miss the days when i get into such deep talks with her. i miss the days when i reached home, i know she is waiting for me. i can only find her in my memories. so i rather live there.

i'm feeling so lost like never before. i'm like someone sailing on a vast sea of nothingness. i want to return to the habour of familar past and recover what was lost. when God? when can i see her again?

i love my mummy. i really love her. can i be with her? God. i really love her. really.

2006-10-31T16:40:00.000+08:00

i really really miss my mummy alot. really alot. i thought i was prepared. i thought i know she went back heaven. but i never thought it will hurt that much. i really miss her.

i really dont mind taking care of her. i really dont mind. someone says that my mummy left might not be a bad thing. cause i got no more burden, i will be more relieve. but. i would rather take care of her. the happiness i have when i see her able to eat. the happiness i have when i see her get better. she means so much to me.

my left has been centered upon my mummy. everyday spend time with her at e hospice. just being beside her make me happy. complaining to her make me feel so comfortable. i know she feels terrible. yet she will still listen to me. i really need her. one caring look from her make my day.

i dont want to recall the memories i have with her. i want to create more. i never felt so terrible before. i really feel so so terrible. she will not come back to life. is so painful to dwell on things that i know i cant change anything about it.

everyone is telling me to move on. what is this? is not that easy. you guys just dont know how important and dear she is to me.

God. i really cant take it anymore. i dont know how to save myself. i need her. i want to love her. i have no more mummy already.

2006-10-23T15:03:00.000+08:00

she left me for home on 17 October. i'll never forget that day.
i'll never forget when she breathe her last breath. i'll never forget the sight when she closed her eyes.

God. you have taken the most important person in my life. i really love mummy. i really miss taking care of her. i really miss feeding her medicine. i miss seeing her.

you've placed her to be the most important, the closest in my life. and you took her away from me. half of my life is gone. she promised to see me grow up.

often watched show when ppl die. didnt expect it will ever happen to me. is really painful to think of her. it is so painful so so painful during the cremation. i feel so lost

i need her. i love her. i want to be with her. girl girl loves mummy. i cant get out of it. i want her.

no one. no one can ever replace the special relationship i have with her. no one.

2006-09-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

the gentle strokes on my hairs.
the loving patting on my shoulder.
make it even harder to let her go.

fell asleep by her bedside. in my sleep i felt her stroking my hairs. i felt her patting on my shoulder like what she used to do when i'm young to make me go to sleep. then i heard her weak yet filled with warmth voice asking me to go home and rest.

God. how am i supposed to let her go? i really want her to be by my side. going thru the future with me. i'm sorry God. i know i have agreed with you that i'll just follow your plan. but.. is so hard.please God. don take her away.please help her. until now, she still haven give up hope. she's still trusting you. you got to do something. i still believe in you

i'm really very tired. God. tell me. how am i going to continue on.

2006-08-25T22:10:00.000+08:00

when man walk to the end of the road. then they finally realise they can only rely on God.

what doctors? they are only of human's wisdom and ability. i can only see hope in you.

i saw myself walking on this long long road when i was worshipping. it used to be so bright all around. with many ppl around me. then i saw myself stepping into darkness. i was alone. as i continue to walk forward, i fell down. then i refused to move. i just sat on that endless dark road. i was afraid. then i started crying asking God why. then a vooice came down from heaven and into my heart. " you are my precious child" then i saw a glimpse of light. then i started walking, and i realise the glimpse of light following me. that's the hope i was talking about.

i refuse to believe them and place my trust in you. my only hope. i really come to a point of time when i can't do anything. you are my only hope.

i know is gonna be a long and lonely journey but i know that light will be with me.

2006-08-13T16:52:00.000+08:00

many things happened. my emotions have drop to the lowest point. but i found a glimpse of light in my darkness.

i finally experience the depth of worship during times when so many things happen and you really really don feel like worshiping. despite it all i'll still worship and praise you. oh well. is all in your plan, is all for our good.

i guess i need to have my solitude soon. need to sort out many things with God. i need a retreat with you. soon. real soon.

it has been a long time since i share my life to someone. well. i'm meeting huishi tml! *blink blink* hope i will feel better.

God. i pray that it won't be too painful for her. let me cherish the remaining time.

it might be the last birthday i spent with her. let me rememeber every moment.

2006-07-31T09:18:00.000+08:00

Finally i can stand on the stage to share bout God's goodness to me. but because of my nervousness. comments flow in one by one. saying i swayed too much, distract alot ppl, people very blured by me, I speak too fast. i'm really disappointed. what am i doing? i'm always like that, i always screwed up things because of my nervousness. i teared on the stage because i experience the new level of God's love to me. i really want to share it to the ppl, i really want ppl to know bout his faithfulness in my life. but because of my nervousness, i didn't do that well. why? why am i always like that. so disappointed. so so disappointed. what am i doing.

God. i need your comfort now.

2006-07-11T14:44:00.000+08:00

this year world cup is slightly different from year2002. i remember very vivdly during 2002 when i'm watching with my dad. my dad don support any teams, he will just see which team is better that year and critize the bad ones. he is good at judging the teams! i remember when i watch with him, the whole house will be very noisy. my mum will just do her things and come out and solve the disagreement i had with my dad. this year is quite a lonely year to watch world cup. my dad seems to be tired so easily. he will watched less than 10 minutes than go to sleep.

suddenly realize that my father is getting old already. really old. just a few days ago, saw him sitting alone browsing through all the past photos. he is really getting old. my father changed so much over the years. i have not been the best daughter i should have been. i have not been doing my part. so angry with myself. but i thank God, my father's life has God. that's enough. God. thanks for letting him come to know you. the truth is that i should not complain anything cause i'll see my father next time in heaven. to me, that's the best thing.

it does not seems as perfect as it is. rachel. come back to the real world.

2006-07-02T18:35:00.000+08:00

God.

as long as you are with me. the rest doesn't matter.
you are all that matter.

that place lives in my heart.

2006-06-29T16:31:00.000+08:00

why do people in times of happiness stray the further and why do people in times of trouble pray the ernest.

realise how insecure many relationship are nowaday. not only bgr but also friendship. people doubt each other, become possesive, jealous and even bitter against one another. relationship with one other is suppose to be a gift from God. to be able to relate with God and one another. but being in an insecure relationship is tiring. what is the relationship between you and this particular person make of? draw each other to one another or draw each other to God?

every relationship is God-given. as i think about it, people i never thought that i will be close with actually played such an important part in my life. is so weird that how two complete strangers can come to know one another to share life together. God. is your work. spirit touches spirit. bless the relationship i had with the sisters.

you are all the center of it all.

2006-06-25T19:19:00.000+08:00

what a privilege to serve God.
what a privilege to be the servant of God.

a servant who has freedom. a servant who has free will. a servant loved deeply by the master. a servant whose master is willing to lay down his life for. a valuable servant.

how great it is to be the servant of God.

the question is are we willing to be set apart to be the servant of God?

2006-06-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

what a nice weather this morning.

the word God has given me for the camp is not spirit-filled or wat. but the word God has given since that time until my com crashed until camp is a new start. a new start. God gave me a second chance to start anew. well. starting anew is not easy. it has been one week plus since that camp, i admit that the past still come back to me. but he is with me.

Isaish 43:18 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

I'll do it with ya spirit in my life.

haha! God is good! something happened. i was very very scared. there's two options to solve it. was choosing between these two options when God pop the third options into my mind. then i met up luan. account to her. it was hard. but as i obey God. God blessed me! hhaha!

the word of God sets me free.

2006-06-06T13:55:00.000+08:00

Is that what you wanna tell me. to move on? to stop dwelling in the past?

my computer which has been with me for 3 years. inside i create an account which only i has access to it. there's many letters to God inside. many memories. but on 31 May 2004 i stop going into it. stop reading and dwelling in it. set an alarm that i should read it 1 year later. but that day never come. it will never come again le. just one day before the day, my com crash. i have never wanted to reformat or change a com despite it bad condition because i'm waiting for the day when i go in again. well. but my com crashed.

God. is this what you want to tell me? the memories in it is deleted just like this. many things was deleted together with it. when i saw everything was deleted. it hurts so much. the thoughts of not able to read it again just pain me.

but thanks for your assurance. you assured me that there's better things for me.

once i let go, i can receive.

since this is your plan. i should follow. guide me.

2006-06-01T18:50:00.000+08:00

thanks. God, for that answer you gave me. whatever it is, i just follow your plan and nothing will go wrong.

it has been a confusing day for me. well. at least God shows his power by telling me the answer. by showing me the way.

oh well. how i wished things will still remain that way. ahhh.

tml and friday is a special day. but i don feel special. i don feel happy bout it. i don even feel like going. have been thinking of ways to escape. i shall purposely oversleep tml and go missing on friday. but as i think thru, i should go. at least for my parents. is a day my dad has been looking forward to for all his life. but now, he can't enjoy it. but whatever it is, God, i ask of you to be with him. be with him throughout the whole thing. heal all the hurts.

2006-05-22T18:27:00.000+08:00

got this very messy feeling. don know how to describe..

controling my thoughts. not feelings-guided. but word-centered.

sometimes i really don know what i want. everything seems meaningless. things in the world seems so meaningless. i just want you, God.

i'm still believing in that place.

2006-05-17T14:50:00.000+08:00

there's so much things i want to say. but i don know how to. there's so much dreams i want to fulfil but it seems so impossible now.

was spending time with God for the past one hour. Was strolling ard in the beautiful and windy night, breathing in the refreshing air God has provide. Is just a time between me and my God. He understands me. He is the only one who truly understands me. He doesn't only understands me physically like my personality.etc.. He understands all the deep down desires of my heart. He understands all the dream I have. He understands all the thoughts i have. He understands me more than i understand myself.

was enjoying every moment. it seems so perfect, seems so wonderful. how i wished it can go on forever. but i was called back into the real world. the imperfect world. the imperfect world consists of imperfect people that God loves. The perfect place will come soon. I believe.

finding myself in God. I love you God. I really do.

2006-04-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

can i sleep. fall into a deep sleep in my own world. why must it be so complicated. the truth hurts but the truth sets me free. this truth that i just know hurts so much. haha. so actually this 1 year plus everything means nothing. haha. nothing.

the past still lingers. the familar songs, the familar places and the familar memories. how am i suppose to forget? they mean so much to me. two things that you can never take away from is God and my memories.

God.

all i want is you. but why is this world so complicated? why am i so complicated. i just want to be the simple daughter you had last time. the always so joyful girl. the daughter whose mind is full of ways to please you. the daughter who pleased you. am i pleasing you now? my thoughts don. my actions don. i have broken your heart so many times. i don deserve anything from you. not even your grace. but why? why are you such a loving God? this is all that push me on. i matter so much to you. you mean so much to me.

i understand. i really do understand everything. but i just can't overcome it emotionally.
give me some time. people says that time can heal everything. but without God, how are they suppose to get healed. give me some time, God can heal me.

thanks dehui. that sms mean so much to me. really. at least i know that other than God. there's someone so so so concern about me. thanks.

don worry people. i'm ok. even at the worst situation, i know God is with me. moreover, this is not the worst situation. is just something personal. and when i overcome it. is gonna be such a big breakthrough. hehe! yea.

running away.

2006-03-19T18:12:00.000+08:00

it hurts alot of times. really. the pains and all the unanswered questions in my heart.
whenever i'm alone and just dwell in sorrows, God is looking at me with his tearful eyes. he wants to say "my child, i can heal all your hurts and pains. i can answer you all the questions you have in your heart. i can be your refuge. But, why won't you look to me?"

ya. why won't i look to him? whenever problems arise, i'll just cooped myself up. thinking that maybe after some time everything will be alright. so rubbish. what's wrong with me? don suppress your emotion. confess it. confess it to God.

Questioning myself what is the thing that could make give up my relationship with God. -18 mins later- i can't think of any. God has rooted himself in my heart. is so deep that i know if i try to pull it away. i will be injured. i'll be hurt.

even when i was spiritually low, i still cannot live a day without him. a day without him is like a dream. i have not really live that day. oh God. root yourself deeper in me.

I'm excited! really excited. excited of seeing God's power fall. His spirit rain down from heaven and straight into my heart. into every place i went. His love will overflow in me and in everyone i meet! so exciting! the thought of God's presence raining down is like so wow.

i cannot be so selfish. think of all the ppl. is not all about me me me. God promise me " whatever i lose on earth for him he will give me back in heaven"

rachel. do what God has plan for you to do in the lifetime. God will fulfill all the promises he has for me. i know and believe in it. i want to share the love story to ppl now!

my shangri-la can wait for me. God has already prepare it in heaven for me. by then, i can spend a peaceful and simple life with God in my shangri-la, my beautiful place.

2006-02-20T16:21:00.000+08:00

many a time i don even understand myself. but God you knows and understand me so deeply. when we are blinded by sorrows, insecurity, fears..etc. we fail to see who are we exactly. being someone you are not is tiring. seeing someone whom you love and you created being someone they are not is miserable.

who am i? why did the God of the universe make me his beloved child? why did the God of heavens frown for me? why did the God of all nature, the creator of all the beautiful things in the world choose to die for me? why did he even make the decision to create me? thanks for this simple yet powerful word. love.

The more i get to know my God. i can't help but to love him more.

My God. the only person that knows me from the inside out.

i want to walk to the end. the place where God is. the place where joy exists. the place where my heart will really sits down.

I love you more as the days goes by.

see ya at the end.

2006-01-02T18:30:00.000+08:00

looking back at year 2005. well. it had really been a year that I really experience God's grace to me. God has really been so faithful to me. He really trust me alot. taking up new role. etc.. he never fail me.

2005 to me. hmm.. it is neither a long nor short year. actually i really don know what to say. there's so much changes. people change, group structure, people come and go, feelings etc.. there's so much changes. but your love never change. your love for me is still the same. i still feel the same loving God I had felt last time. Thanks.

I'm officially in Nea now! hhaha. really wanna thank Ned for everything. I had been in Ned almost all my year in Youth. gonna miss all the times we had with one another. I remember we had our bbq together at faith's hse. we took so so long to start the fire. then we had restructure, people leave. then siewluan's group and yanyu's group join us. hhaha. we had our fisrt ever Ned unit cg on July then we just had our last unit cg last week. i remember the sisters night we had together. hhaha. interesting! excited to see each of us 2 years down the road. when the ex ned all gather together, we are gonna share how we conquer the schools how we win souls for Jesus.

want to thank the ex ned2- dehui zixin christabel liyen michelle sandra shewon faith
my beloved cg ( ned2 now nea2) michelle faith liyen sheryl chee kwun sandra yining qiaohui
my ex northeast cg- gideon siewluan yihui debbie dehui freedy dingchuen junhuang jiancong peter. man. gonna miss all the funs we had together.
Ned!- yihui cg, yanyu's and siew luan's! and Jessie- our ex Ul and gideon!
206- despite conflicts and differences. i still enjoyed you ppl! the craziest class of the year- 206! all the headache we gave teachers. teachers either dislike us or favour us. hhaha.
thanks everyone! my life had been great because of you ppl!

thank you God for all these people. and thank you for you. God, year 2005 had been a year of alot ups and downs in my life. but you are with me all the time. your grace really covers me. without you. I won't be where I am today. thanks.

was feeling excited yet scared of the coming year. but i know with you walking with me. hhaha. I'm gonna enjoy it! yeah. 2005 had not been a easy year yet i still walk thru it. so i believe that the many years that are coming, ya, it may be tough, but you will hold my hands and walk thru every single day with me.

Excited to walk thru this whole journey with you.

2005-12-15T16:58:00.000+08:00

It is a decision. Is a choice.

Let go. Is difficult. Is tough. I don want to. But I know I have to.
Is definitely not a sacrifice.

sometimes. Is tiring to hold on. Hold on tightly to things that I know I should not. rachel. is a decision. Let go and you can be free. Let go and let God.

I really don want to. Is really tough. Let me really give up from the bottom of my heart. I want to trust in you. You have got your greatest plan for me. Let go. Is not only for myself. But God. I want you to be pleased with me.

No point holding tightly.

2005-11-17T05:05:00.000+08:00

Lonely but never alone. i may feel lonely. but the truth is that i'm never alone. how's my realationship with you? I always break your heart. I'm sorry. God. the feeling is terrible. i don know how to describe. but i know that you are always near. You are as near as my heart desire you to. I desire you to be closer to me each day. Each day I wake, I find you are near.

I have definitely been a bad daughter to my parents. God. I ask for patience. I ask for love. Love them, be patient towards them. Was thinking of what Shirley says during one of the clm. No more double life! Consistent lifestyle. Treat my parents as how i would treat my shepherd, my leaders. They are leaders that God placed over me in my family.

" God is a God of second chance " wow. hehe. This sentence assured me alot. Thank God. Your grace is abundant. But i should never take it for granted. never. Arghh. God.

I'm really nothing. I can't do this, I can't do that. Everytime. I really prepared what i'm gonna say. But because I'm nervous, I won't know how to express myself. Everytime, i will feel so disappointed with myself. I don't know anything. I'm really nothing. But you make me into something. Undeserved of your love. really. i'm really unworthy. But you still love me. Thanks :)) I can't love God the way he love me but I can love him to my best. He wants my whole heart.

Have taken quite alot of break le. Spend quite alot of time with God. Very refreshed! Now is the time for SOW, fasting and dicipleship. whee~ I'm excited! Pray tt this holiday will be fruitful. There's only two possibilities during holiday. Either you grow or not. I'm gonna grow! ppl! Grow together with me!

I miss Huishi! my spiritual buddy.

Adores my blog music.

Mission Trip

2005-11-04T15:08:00.000+08:00

Whee~ I'm BACK! anyone miss me? haha. really enjoyed myself for these 6 days. enjoyed the times spent with the ppl there and with the team. wonderful group of ppl.

met at Kranji Mrt station on thurs at 10 am. went to JB to take a plane to Sibu. The plane ride was 1 hour and 30 mins. When we reached Sibu. We were picked up by Brother Paul and brother Charles. They drove us to Serikei. We went on this ferry on the car. cool! When we reached, we were picked up by brother Elijiah and Brother You Qing. The car ride was 1 hour! We stayed in Hope place. the place was really nice..
On friday. We spent most of the afternoon preparing for the cg in the evening. then we out ourselves to eat KFC. haha. we went to meet the Youths in a park at 5. We played lots of games. haha. then we have cg. wah! we lead all the roles. very scared. but at least everything went off well. can sense that the spirit was different when the ppl entered the place and when they leave. we have evaluation. then i have to prepare the workshop I'm conducting with Marcus the next day.
The Next day we have a mini sport. haha. It was fun and interesting. Get to know Yu Mei better. This girl who really have a heart that desire for God. she really encouraged me ALOT. then the Praise and Worship workshop! Marcus started his lessons first. alot of funny things happen. then followed by me. very nervous. really thank God for the team. all very encouraging!

we took a bus and boat to Sibu.

We attended a cg on the same night. really enjoyed myself. their cg is really big. haha. The next day is service. I shared testismony. Wah! scary. haha. On monday which is the last night. We have a sharing with them. We have our mini jamming session. It was fun! haha.

yupp. really enjoyed myself there. But the best thing is that in the midst of blessing the ppl, I'm blessed too. This trip really open my eyes to certain things. Certain things I have been struggling with for very long. I'm gonna overcome! Thought thru alot of things. really alot. God. I really love you. I'm gonna live my life differently. I really have a small retreat with my God. I may be physically tired. but i'm spiritually refresh. really thank God for this trip. really open my eyes. God. I want to be closer to you.

oh man. gonna miss all the times in Sibu and Serikei. haha. anyway. wanna affirm everyone in the team. They are great!

Shirley: wow. learn a lot from her. is really great to spend time with a leader. you really trust us alot. always encouraging.

Eelee: haha. an addict of Vicks. really thank God for you! you will always make sure we are on time. learnt alot of things from her too.

Jacq: haha. Get to know each other's district more. you are really an encouraging sister. always encourage us to talk to the ppl more. a serving sister too!

Cheng: the entertainment of the group. haha. you really make the atmosphere less tense. thanks for all the entertainments and jokes! wahaha.

Huili: a really organised sister. really keep the whole trip organised. you always take the initiative to take down notes etc..

Marcus: another joke of the team. wahaha. Your chinese is really lousy. wahaha. but you really bring laughter to the team.

Jason: thank God for you! always help us video cam. so as to capture unforgettable moments. you and your video cam are important to the team!

Weilun: always pull us back to the right track! when we always talk about other things when planning certain things. can quite serious at times.

wah! basically. Thsi is a great team! really enjoy the times spent together. really miss the times in Sibu and Serikei. Jamming session!

2005-11-04T03:10:00.000+08:00

Hope Serikei. after their cg.

We took that plane! Sibu airport.

The Mission Trip Team!

More will be up later!

2005-10-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

going off in a few hours time. well... gonna announce something... I haven packed my bag yet!!! wah!!! haha..

really excited for this mission trip to Sibu. Gonna learn things that I can't learn in Singapore. My spiritual eyes and ears are gonna be wide open. Looking through my goals. well. Gonna reach all my goals.

God. I pray for everyone whom I love in Singapore.
I pray for all the Secs 4. Yihui Dehui Siew Luan Yanyu Zixin etc... Heyy. Jiayou for your O level! Single point for God! Will be keeping you all in prayers! Let's go play after your Os.

I pray for my ppl. Faith Michelle Liyen Chee Kwun Sheryl. Please take care of yourslf. Physically and spiritually. Even though I'm not around, you all better don slack! Last 2 days of school! do remember to get your contacts! December is an exciting month. comfirmations to faith tml anf fri. Enjoy yourself on Sat. if you all got anything, can try calling my phone. Not sure if able to receive. If is really urgent, call Shirl's phone.. Please take care of one another.. Miss ya lots!

I pray for my family members. God. please heal my parents. My father is sick recently. Is quite bad. God. I ask for your healing hands to be upon him. God. please really take care of my father. I pray for my mother. God. give her strength. when she feels helpless. Comfort her. I pray now that all illness will be away from her. I commited my family into your hands. I know with you. i can go to the trip without any worries. Please be with them.

I really hope that the trip will be a fruitful one. Fruitful for me and the people there.. May I bless the people there. And. This trip is gonna be my little retreat with my God. God. renew my passion. renew my love for you. Let my focus be back on you.

Gonna come back with lots of stories! Don miss me ppl. I'm sure you all will. See ya on tues!
Shall go and packed my bag le.. Wahaha.

I desire...

2005-10-19T14:10:00.000+08:00

I want to do well in roles God place me in.

I desire to be a good shepherd. A shepherd who will go all way out for sheeps. Being there when the sheeps need her. A spiritual, physical and emotion support for her sheeps. Giving unconditional love like how the chief shepherd gave his unconditional love for his sheep.

I desire to be a good leader. A leader who set her life as an example in speech and action. A leader who will have spirit of excellence in whatever she does. Being blameless before God and man.

I desire to be a good sheep. A sheep who will never let my shepherd's work be a burden. A sheep who is submissive, teachable and accountable. A sheep who will never be defensive against correcting. Honouring my leaders.

I desire to be a good Child Of God. My first and last identity. This is gonna be my last identity when I die. I desire to please you in whatever I do. I want to be the apple of your eyes. I want to always be senstive towards you and keep my heart soft before you. I want to put a smile on your face by doing well in all roles you place me in. I desire to be your favourite child.

I want to be simple. Simple by obey whole-heartedly and giving thanks in all circumstances.

Tml will be getting back my results. Know that I'll do badly. But still, gonna trust in you. Whatever it is, I'll go where you want me to go. Be it good or bad. I'm gonna give thanks. Because of your presence:) Arghh. God! I'll trust in you.

2005-10-17T09:20:00.000+08:00

Was sitting by my window thinking of certain stuffs when it start raining. well, I like the cool breeze. It matches what I'm thinking. Yesterday wasn't feeling well. I think the fever make my mind abit confused and messy. Was thinking some stuffs that I know that it shouldn't enter my mind. Idlemind is the devil's workshop.

Have an uncomfortable sleep despite that I'm not feeling well. I went to spend time with God. Facts came slapping into my face. God reminded me certain things again.

Was thinking about what Gideon told me yesterday. Actually God told me this alot of times. I'm really afraid. I prayed that I will NEVER fall in this area. never. God, I pray against this. I'll trust in your great plan for me. I know you have the best for me. And I'll trust and believe in that.

haha.
anw.
Yay! Everytime i come before you. I can only stand, amazed, at what you've done for me.
Wow!
This is gonna be a long post! haha.
Was facing a tough period for the past few weeks. But God bless me!
Facing some finances difficulties. Wowo. But God is faithful! He blessed my mother with ALOT of money to pay her debts and there's still leftover. Wow! There's a few ppl to thank.

Beiyu: Thanks for always skipping recess with me. haha. thanks for being so nderstanding toward me and so willing to listen to me talk. Thanks girl. really treasure our friendship alot.

Jasimine.A, Hwee en, Erica and Peishan: Thanks for everything. Thanks for being so understanding too. Thanks for always trying to treat me. Appreciate you ppl alot. really.

Of course not forgetting all the sisters! The family God place to bless me. I love you ppl! There's too much for me to say to you all. really.

The one I really wanna thank:

God: Xie xie ni. Nothing can really describe the gratefulness in my heart. You are with me through all these time. Your presence comforted me alot. Whenever I need you. You are there. Thanks. thru all these years. You are the one that hold me and carry me thru. You are the hope I cling to. You are my strength. I really love you alot. This is not just feelings. I really love you.

Loving others is happiness but loving God is JOY.
Thanks God I don serve a faraway God. I serve a God that is as near as I desire him to.

My ever faithful God.

2005-10-04T16:30:00.000+08:00

Have been thinking through lots of things. Feel like going to the beach now. I need time to straighten out my thoughts.

Certain things, I know I should not have done. I'm sorry. God. I have broken your heart again.
Man are like this. We know that God doesn't allow us to do certain things is for our good. But being the rebelious human, we did it. And after we did it, then we realise actually we have hurt God's heart badly. sorry God. Am i still the apple of your eye?

Your love is enough. I doesn't need any other things. Nothing in this world satisfy me. I know. at times is the devil deceiving me. I really just need your love. Let me be satisfy with your love only.

I want a divine touch from you. I want to experience the closeness I had with you before.

I'm tired. I really want to go to the beach. I want to spend time with you alone. Just you and me.

I love you. My faithful God.

2005-09-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

I like this pictures. My skin's picture xD. It look so peaceful. My blog music is nice right? This is the piano piece that makes me want to learn piano! Sometime I think other than God, the thing that can make me calm down is music. those slow and soothing music, especially piano pieces. i'm determined to do well in my piano.

Got feedback from Beiyu that my blog too many God thing le. Well, can't be helped, my life is surrounded with his love. haha.

Certain times, I really feel so lonely. But i know that i'm never alone. He is always there waiting for me. My faithful God. really spent a great time with Huishi last Sat. We just walked around Orchard blindly, without any directions. But we talked alot. thanks Huishi! My spiritual buddy! I was really down last Sat, but after talking to Huishi, I really feel so much better! I love you!

To you: Even though I didn't take care of you for long. But it has been great with you around. Whatever decision you make, I hope you put God in the picture. I may not been a great shepherd to you, but I really hope you know that I love you. I'll definitely miss your presence. This 1 year plus of time spent with you, is really enjoyable. I'll remember our "mountain top" vision. All e best in wherever you go. I hope that you find a church you like. And never leave God. I still want to see you at the end of the race:)

I'm waiting to go home.

2005-09-11T14:59:00.000+08:00

Today Gideon brought us to this VERY nice and COZY place for CLM.

Haha.. Enjoyed myself.

2005-09-11T14:07:00.000+08:00

When ppl leave the church, why do they always blame on the church? The church never say that BGR is a sin. In fact the bible encourage BGR that's why there's Adam and Eve. So why would we say is a sin? But is this the correct time?

Why do you go join another church and gossip about Hope? And say Hope force you out? God gave us freewill. the church too! Nexus's door will always be open for you! For your info, the church that you goosip and hated is GOD'S church. Will God be happy? You say that Go will pass judgement on the church because we force you out. But think again, You gossip about Jesus's brode and another of your partner forsake God's flock. So what about you ppl?

I'm glad that you ppl found a church you like. I pray that you will continue to grow in God. I may not know you very well. But I love you. I really do. Whatever it is. I still hope to see you at the end of the race:)

I want to go home. When you coming back?

2005-08-30T14:22:00.000+08:00

So many things happened. Haha...
Don know if I should thank God for placing all these in my life? Maybe thru all these I will grow..
Whatever it is. I believe you have the best plan for me. I have faith in my awesome God!

Actually, I have always being thinking of this. How nice it is, if I can just go to this wonderful and beautiful place and just spend the rest of my life with God. Just him and me. No need to care about anything. But I realise is a very selfish thought. How can I just keep God to myself? How can I just think of statisfying my own need? I want to find joy in serving you. I believe my this dream can be fulfilled in heaven...

lalala.. When you taking me home?

Birthday celebrations at Debbie's house..

2005-08-21T02:54:00.000+08:00

NE ULs and Gideon's coreteam
haha.
Today has beem a great day.
Service. Altar Call was great . Reminded me of why am I doing what I am doing?
Then went Rc for meeting. The teachings was great! I want to have a good caregroup. Caregroup is not just a programme, but is life in the making. I want to see strong family atmosphere in my cg. That even non-believers will be attracted.

Haha. Then the Uls and Gideon's coreteam(dehui siewluan yihui me) went to Debbie's house to celebrate Gideon and the august babies's birthday. Thanks for all the affirmations!
Happy Birthday Gideon, Jiancong, DingChuen, Junhuang and me! haha.

Wah! Think won't be going water bap tml. Got shepherding then study!! Next week got lots and lots of tests. haiz. God. I need strength. I need you to fill me up. God. no matter what. I'll stand firm. I'll stay till the end. I want to stay till the end.
God. I'm coming back. I'm coming back again.

I want to give my best to God. I want to do all that I can for him. He is worthy!Amen!
zzz. I'm feeling asleep as I'm typing these down. 3.15am. So is sunday le. Gonna finish fast.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GIDEON!( GIGI NG)
You are old le. wahaha. Thanks for all that you've done for Northeast and the HS girls' side. appreciate you lots. Thanks for always encouraging me!

AIyah. falling asleep.

Birthday?

2005-08-15T15:36:00.000+08:00

Thank you, God. For letting me come into this world 14 years ago. I know that you create me just to love me. But i know my purpose in life is to love you. By faith I know that 40 years or even 70 years later, I'll still be serving you fervantly.

I am here because of you.

My birthday wishes: (I'm greedy, I hav alot!)
-breakthru in my spiritual life.
-new insight in God's works.
-let him have more of me.
-love God more.
-love ppl more.
-breakthru in my girls life.
-breakthru in NED2!
-wisdom.
-courage.
-father to be healed.
-family to be filled with God's presence.

Celebrate my birthday with mum just now. She treated me! Oh man, food at Jack's place is nice!
Seldom go there. Burn a hole in mum's pocket. Chatted quite alot with mummy.Mummy, don worry. I'll never forsake you.

Whee~

I want you.

2005-08-12T16:24:00.000+08:00

I really don feel like posting.
I really got no mood to.
But...

There's a restructure in the girl's side. I will not fear. Cause you are with me.

What wrong's with me lately? I have not really been growing. I need breakthrough!
I know after every down period, there will be breakthrough. I'm anticipating it.

I know whatever you do is for my good. I want and will obey you. But somehow I feel sad. All this in your plan le. I. I don know how to describe what I'm feeling now. I should have stop. Should not think back. But all these weeks, I really enjoy myself. But I need to stop. I have to stop.

God, I know I have not been your favourite child for some time le. But Lord, draw me back to you again. Please don let your presence leave me. I cannot do without you. Let me find comfort in your love. Joy in your work. I longed to go back to the first love I have with you. I am nothing without you. Nothing...

Sorry God. But I love you. Whatever mood I am in right now. I can't deny the fact that I really love you. I'm really thankful for all you've done. Because you are in my life, that's why I know how to handle those situations. All these situation ultimately are short term.

I pray for salavation for ppl. Sometime I realise that some nice ppl don know God. I believe your future will be bright when you do it with God! Maybe no one tell you yet. I wish to tell you. But I don know where you are now. Please don give up your dreams. I pray that I can share the good news with you. Where are you?

I can't continue. But don worry I'm alright. I am going to meet God le. Everything will be alright.
I'm expectimg an encounter with you.

2005-07-29T16:03:00.000+08:00

Haha.. Very busy recently.. Wah! I need help in my studies! I want to do well for you! School was alright... But the more time I spend in school, the more I want to impact the school. They need God. They need this person that is so much greater than them in their lives. I have found him. And I need to bring them to find him. God! Give me courage. Give me the heart. Give me the ppl...

anw. God is an awesome God! I was reading through the all my QT journal... Everytime when I'm far away, he is always drawing me back to him again. Thank you God. His grace is always abundant... God. I never want to be far away from you again.

Let me brief on what happened e last few week.. On 16 July, after service, we have our Northeast BBQ at East Coast! It is so cool! I was one of the team leaders... My grp very fun:) And... My house "steam food" lead by Jon Tay won! Yay! Haha... God is really a great God.. It was raining at first... Then we all pray, the result is predictable right? Cause our God is a faithful God!

Don know if I should continue with piano anot.. 100+ a month is quite ex for me.. Mother have to work so hard for me...

Hmm... many things is gonna happen. Tell tml.. yupp.. hahs. Tml is NE new believers' party! It will be very fun! yay!

2005-07-19T18:35:00.000+08:00

Been sometime since i update? haha... My days are great because I have God going thru every single problems with me. Know that God place all these problems in my life for a reason:)

Have been feeling down for e past few weeks. Think is because I lost my focus ba... Hey God! I want my only focus be you. I want to always focus on you and the goals you have for me... Never want to lose focus. Anw, God renewed and refreshed me! My one desire is him, I want to be where he is, now and forever...

Love all the people that God place in my life... My family, my fellow CT and CG members.. They have really been a great blessings to me. God, how could I ever thank you enough for them??

The harvest is here! This sat is e last ESS.

Exciting Sunday!

2005-07-04T03:50:00.000+08:00

Today have cg at my hse. Sorrieee ppl. on thurs, i planned cg and i fell asleep!*repent* That's why i let ya know ya roles so late:( sorriee. Promise i won't do it again... I want to POLISH UP my guitar skill! Just now during worship, the spirit prompt me to change to another song. Then i realise i'm not the one playing (i'm not good enough to play). -cries- but overall everything is fine. Faith: u lead praise. well its a blur and funny praise. Michelle: we played fruits concentration. Zixin: Well done! Even though not alot ppl, but i sense the spirit in the atmosphere so strongly! A pat on all your shoulder!

went for CTM at Nexus. I want to see breakthrough! In my ministry-bulletins and housekeeping need more ppl! In Deyi!- Let's multiply ourselves! A unit in Deyi! the most impt. My personal walk with God. I want to grow. This is not enough. I want to grow soo much closer to you. I want to know your heartbeat like how David knows. I want to be a girl/woman after your very own heart. The moment i'm statisfied with how much I grow, i'll stop growing. I don want that to happen...

I don like to wear Contact Lens! It always make my eyes so dry and is so troublesome. But. I have to wear because i always lost my specs:/-careless me- The person checked my eyes and says i need to fast from contact lens for 5 days because of infections:( Gonna wear specs for the 5 days. Pray awfully hard that i won't lose this!

anw. I'm taking a break now. I got to prepare for tml shepherding in e morning. (I got to wake up on time!) Then plan my time schedule for e week and my money planner. Ya. it's gonna be a long night. But i'm going to spend it with God. exciting!

-Use it for his kingdom-

Stop it. God of all comfort.

2005-07-02T03:45:00.000+08:00

why? why must your name be scorned by self-centered people? God. I mean people that know you. people that alway say want to shine your glory. people that read your word. etc...

sometime i really don't understand. I don understand why must you hurt people this way? She treated you so sincerely. just wanting to be your friend. Why must you hurt her? why must you treat her like this? maybe i don know you well enough but i know the God you know. She know the God you know. Instead of treating her like sister, u treat her as a joke. Can i plead you? Stop it. either u accept her for who she is or you keep a distance from her. Stop treating her as spare tyre, when you need her. you look for her, you speak nicely to her. but when you with other friends. you gossip, make fun of her. Why are you doing this? Does God want to see his beloved child hurting his another beloved child? Stop hurting her. Stop hurting God. Put yourself in her shoes. then tell me what you feel.
sorry. I really didn't want to post this. But i really want you to read it. Let's stop whatever the satan is telling us to do. Let's start the great mission that God gave us. Let's win our class, our school for him. I believe we can do it together. though serving in different church but same God!

( to this person-you know who u are-)
Heyy! No matter how badly you are hurt. God is there. He sees everything single suffering and hurts you've gone thru. He put all these problems for a reason. I'm sure of that! And. Just to let you know. I'm here for you. not only me, but the whole cg. Let's go thru every problems God place in our lives together. I know i say these many times. But. I'm always available for you. I'm alway ready to be quiet to listen to you. I'll be with you! But the most impt person you need is God. He is always ready to put his arms round you to comfort you that he is there. He understand every hurts you have. He long to replace all the hurts with love. Jiayou! I'm sure you can go thru all these because we got a powerful God! -hug and squeeze you-:)

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

I am DESPERATE for zzzzz.

2005-06-26T17:10:00.000+08:00

i'm bushed man. zzzz... but i just can't seem to be able to sleep. thinking through soo many things. can't seem to get them off my mind. God! i need sleep. have been like this for e past few nights. if this carry on, i can't make it for school reopen. after this, by hook or by crook, i'm going to sleep! hahs.

well today service. don pass me by God. i want to meet you. anw. today talk about unity. working as a team. yupp. i truly believe in that. noone can work alone. even Jesus needs his disciples. How much more do we need ppl to build us up?... heyy ned2! let's do it together k? let's build a group that is filled with soo much love and unity that ppl will be attracted to it! won't it be great? I need you and you need me. Let's have this kind of spirit/x
yay! WELCOME ZIXIN BACK to e dmm! so glad to see ya back serving together. jiayou! u can do it! won't let e satan take us down amen?

after that at clm, shirley show us a video of this preacher called wayne don know wat. He talk about being a dream releaser. see potentials ard us. See God's presence rather than his absence.
I have what God desire me to have.

yupp. during lunch Gideon came to challenge e group. A unit for Deyi. we dare to ask God for it, he will dare to give! Deyi, a school for God.
Yay! yay! yay! so excited for what is going to happen to Deyi! will see ppl saying grace together in canteen. will see soooo many hope peeps in Deyi that e culture is gonna completely changed!
just to share abit.

think after all my holidays have been quite fruitful. spend time with my family. camps and Wfl. still got NE training class. Thank God for Gideon for imparting us how to teach and challenge and Daniel for coming back from Ywam teach us bout worship leading. Great anticipation. yay? Just started out a new book "Love Beyond Reason" thanks shuyi.

School gonna reopen. I don want to have e sian <_> feeling. be excited! yay! impact ppl! apply what i learnt in camps, wfl... etc... yupp.
After so long i still can't sleep. don care. just sleep.zzzz. I AM DESPERATE FOR SLEEP!

Thanks:) love ya...

2005-06-19T14:42:00.000+08:00

Camps finished le… Time passed. Everything is always changing but the love of God will nv change. This is what you put in my heart…
Yay! Both camps end le. I’m ready to do it! “ Tell e world that Jesus(you) lives!” hahs… write down my applications le… Shall share abit… not so deep.. hahs… well…1) I want to be secured in God’s calling for me. 2) Pray for my ppl. Is a sin not to pray for them… 3) Be strong on e WOG. Only e Wog can change me permanently. 4) Be a salt and light. As in a more deliberate Christian. Make my voice be heard! Yupp.. this are a few that I learned.

God really speak to me personally and thru some peeps… Is really God’s plan lorr… What both of them said is e same! All come with e assurance from God.

These are some peep that I want to especially thank.

Shirley: Thanks… Know you might not be seeing this. But thanks a lot for what you said to me. Or maybe what God want to speak to me thru u. You have definitely impacted a lot of e Youths! Thank God for placing you in my life and as a leader over e Youth Ministry! 750 by end of August! Heyy! Thanks Shirls… What you said that night I really treasure it a lot… all e assurance you gave me… I can really experience God’s love thru u once again… I know everything happen for a reason… I’ll love myself more because I am his creation. He created me this way for a reason. I am precious in his sight. Thanks from e bottom of my heart.

Puay Lin: Thanks for setting apart time to speak to me even though I’m not ya sheep le. Have a great talk with you that night too. You are another person that can really speak into my life. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. So glad that God place you in my life… “make a decision.” Yupp! Enjoy e time spent with ya! Thanks once again!

Yihui: Laogong! We shared our visions and what God spoke to us in e middle of the night or rather early in e morning. I really need someone like you to share my joy and sadness. Thanks for being there! “ Everyone kneeling down b4 the majestic cross and worship!” Let’s see it come to pass one day!

God!: Without you. How could I thank them? I love you. I am so precious in ya sight. So precious… that you send Jesus to died for me. Why? That what I always ask. Why do you choose to died for such dirty and sinful peeps like me? Because I’m ya creation. Thanks. Nv want to live a day without you. I want to walk toward ya glory! I want walk toward a life that is sooo close with ya. Love you so much!. Bow b4 ya throne and worship ya forever!

All in all… I want to be in e end time generation! Hahs… God, I love you!
End time generation... here i come!!

Kingdom of God Lives Within Us

2005-06-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

Whee whee! Came back from JB camp le. Really have a great time fellowshipping with my CG peeps… After spending time with you guys, really sense e desire that u have for God. God will definitely rewards you when ya heart is with him! Not only fellowshipping with e sisters but with God as well… God, I want to live for YOU!!! You impress in my heart that my father will be healed… And I believe that! I’m looking forward to the day when my father would stand up and tell e world what you have done for him! Amen! Hee… looking forward to that day…

“ The Kingdom of God lives within us” is in me? Yupp! I want to be a responsible citizen in e Kingdom of God! Not only myself but with the many peeps I’m gonna bring in…

I am in the world, not of the world but influencing the world. I belong to e Kingdom of God. Now and forever. Never want to leave…

“ Our God is an awesome God…”
“ This is e church on fire…”

In all, thank God for these 4 days. Even though I doze off abitL But I manage to keep awake most of e time with my weapon, the spirit that want to listen to e WOG, my hi-sour sweets and coffee! Hahs…

Going to Nus now to prepare e goodies bag and stuffs. Anticipating great things from God! “ The Ultimate Dare!”